That is Brynn’s 

Today was the first time H said Brynn’s name. 

We were in her room and I scooped her up as we were getting ready for bed. She pointed over to Brynn’s shadow box. It has been there since we decorated the nursery almost two years ago now. I guess she’s never noticed it.   

I said “that is Brynn’s” and she just looked at me and said “Brynn’s”. My heart exploded. I wish I could have said more. I wanted to but honestly I didn’t want to scare her by crying. M was in the room but I didn’t look at him either. 

My sister put the shadow box together for me. It has the baby shower invitation that she bought. Since I was going to have twins in mid May, we thought it best to have a shower in March. Luckily (I guess?) we found out about Brynn shortly before she mailed out the invitations. The glitter heart was for Brynn’s diaper cake that was ordered; H’s is hanging on her dresser. The purple loveys have her name embroidered; H has her pink ones in her crib. The pictures in the frame are also the last ultrasound pictures. 

The silver box was a gift from my aunt. She put in our 3D gender reveal ultrasound pictures and had the top engraved with Brynn’s name. Inside the box are a few things the hospital gave us, including a tiny baby hat. 

That is Brynn’s corner. I only wish I had more to remember her by. 

Advertisements

Second Angelversary

Dear Brynn, 

Tomorrow will be two years since we found out that you left us. 

This week of the year is one of the hardest for me. I remember two years ago feeling twitches. You and your sister moving around and kicking each other. I remember going to the anatomy scan and confirming we had healthy twin girls. And this time, you were the one who was kicking H. 

Three weeks later, our world came crashing down. What was supposed to be the best birthday present for your dad was the worst.  

We went home, in shock, and just cried. I felt sick. I don’t understand what happened or why it happened. I don’t think I ate or showered for days. And all the while, H was moving around and I felt her. Grieving for you and trying to stay strong for your sister felt impossible to balance. 

When I’m laying in bed with H now, I think of how you two would snuggle, play and giggle if you were here with us. It brings tears to me eyes. I still can’t talk about you without crying. 

I’m searching for a book for H to help me explain our family. And how she has the most beautiful sister in heaven. A true angel. 

This is the last picture I have of you. I’m so grateful for every ultrasound and even the video we have of you. 

20140121-173442.jpg
You were and will always be so loved.  We miss you tremendously, Brynn. 

Inspiration?

Since we’ve started our TTC journey, I’ve befriended several women and have kept in touch, as we all are in different stages. One woman just came back from her first u/s and shared she was pregnant with twins. Of course, I am so happy for her and yet my heart hurts. She was kind enough to say she hoped that this wasn’t bring back painful memories and I am an inspiration of strength.

I would be lying if I said talking about twins is easy. What I need to remember is that I am still a mom to twins- we just weren’t granted the opportunity to meet Brynn. So in that aspect, I don’t feel complete. But we had one beautiful little miracle and for that I know we are blessed. I still struggle with it and cry. I don’t feel very strong some days!

Last week, I went to a memorial service the hospital organized for perinatal losses. There was one quote that really stayed with me.

“The child that we had, but never had, and yet will have forever”.

I’m so glad we have some memories of Brynn. She will always be my little peanut.

Unexpected mail

After a fun filled weekend celebrating my birthday with family, Harper and I headed home today. We had such a good time seeing my nieces and nephew. Harper definitely got some good play time in!

When we came home, we had a stack of mail waiting for us. Not that I don’t think of Brynn often, but somehow it’s harder when someone or something else reminds me of losing her. We just received an invitation from the hospital to attend “the annual perinatal loss and memorial service and reception”.

I think I want to go. But M isnt sure he wants to because he’s sensitive to the fact that we do have a healthy baby with us. He also doesn’t know how he feels about talking about things in a group with strangers.

I’m having a hard time with balancing that out- I want to make sure we always remember her but not crying while thinking about her. Sometimes I feel like I’m not doing enough to remember her.

How do you find peace with your loss? I wonder if that is something that only comes with time?

Smile!

Again it’s been too long since I’ve posted, but H is keep me busy!!

She eats every 2 1/2-4 (if we are lucky) which means I have limited time to change a diaper, wash bottles, pump, grab a snack and chug water before I do it all over again. Sadly blogging takes more time than I have some times. But I’m taking advantage of H’s nap right now.

I re-read my post about H’s birth and it blows my mind how much she has changed over the last 7 weeks!

Not only has she packed on some pounds and has outgrown her newborn clothes and diapers, but she smiles and almost giggles. She’s still learning she has a voice and it’s adorable. Here’s what she looks like mid smile.

20140717-220359-79439636.jpg

It’s absolutely amazing how much she changes every day and how much we are figuring this whole parenting thing out together.

Last week, I had my 6 week follow up with my OB. On the way there I got a call asking me to reschedule since my dr was needed at the hospital. I packed up Harper which is no easy task and was more than half way there. I was also bleeding again so I really wanted to see someone. Luckily I was able to see another dr in the practice. Guess who that was? The same dr that I saw right before I found out we lost Brynn. The same dr that didn’t give me the u/s when I asked. I sucked it up and saw him anyway.

So I get to the office and get checked in. The dr walks in and makes small talk –

Dr-So, it looks like you had the baby a little early
Me- yeah, we induced
Dr- was there a reason why?
Me- yes, we lost her twin sister. (Pretty sure I looked at him like he was the world’s biggest idiot)
Dr- Oh. Now I remember.

Really? Could he not have looked at my file before walking in the door?!? He continued to apologize throughout the appointment. In fact he said he was surprised I even agreed to see him. After he checked me out, I met him in his office.

He asked what method of contraception we would be using. Um, we won’t be. Given we went through 2 rounds of IVF, IF we got pregnant naturally it would be a miracle and we would be ecstatic. So, thanks but I’ll pass on the pill.

I asked if the pathology report on Brynn’s placenta came back yet. It did and unfortunately there was nothing abnormal found. Well, some fancy term for lack of blood flow, but given there was 16 weeks between her passing and me delivering, that was to be expected. So we have no answers. I can’t say I’m surprised, I think I expected the results to be inconclusive. Even if something did come back, it still wouldn’t be fair. I have to believe that there was some reason for her passing.

I still haven’t opened the box from the hospital. Every once in a while, it catches my eye, but I’m still not ready. When I do, I think I will need the day to myself after opening it. Or maybe M and I open it with H? I don’t know- I haven’t put much thought into it. It’s not like I can ever forget Brynn and I find myself thinking about her at the most random times. I guess that’s normal?

The really crazy thing is we just got a bill from our fertility clinic for cryopreservation storage for the two embryos we have left from out first cycle a year ago. I can’t believe how much our lives have changed since last year. Everything we have endured makes me really appreciate everything we have.

There will always be bumps along the way, what I’m learning is to try to surround yourself with a great support team (everyone from family and friends to doctors!) and try to stay as positive as possible. But you honestly never know how things will turn out.