15dp5dt= 5 Weeks

Today’s beta was 124. Low compared to “normal” implanters, but I am trying to stay positive and focus on the fact that the beta is doubling. In fact, it doubled in 34 hours.

I am scared. Like super nervous that since the beta is low and it was a late implanter that we won’t make it to 6 weeks to see the heartbeat. Maybe that is fear from the miscarriage in August talking. I just feel like I am about to wake up from this dream at any time and this pregnancy will be over.

I am trying really hard to focus on the here and now though. I’ve already told my family. I regret not telling them about Olo until after we lost him. I need all of the prayers and support I can get. I have left it up to M to decided whether or not he wants to tell his parents.

Dr. L wants to me to back on Friday for another beta. In the meantime I think I will buy a CBE week estimator and take it tomorrow. By that point, my beta should be 200 and I should get a 2-3 weeks on the test. That will provide me some comfort I think, well I hope!

Support

Sometimes it’s the little things from the people that you least expect it that mean the most.  

My dad may not get all of the medical crap and he’s certainly not one one to say “I love you” or show raw emotion, but I sense his heart hurts for us. That sort of empathy provides some comfort. It was completely unprovoked and unexpected. 

All tests are still negative and I know my body enough to know we won’t be getting that Christmas miracle this year. 
I’ve cried. I’ve had caffeine. I’ve researched and googled. I have reached out to other clinics for second opinions. 

I’m coping. I have a plan. Or at least a wish list of what I want to do and have happen. 

More to follow soon. 

Thanks, FedEx

And so it begins! It’s normal to get excited when you receive a shipment of hormones, right?

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Since everything is becoming a little more real again, I texted M.

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Seriously. He makes me laugh. I know how much he loves the emotional me when I’m stimming, but he does his best to be supportive.

I am 5 days away from doing my first Lupron shot. I’m slightly nervous about it as I’ve read the side effects suck. I don’t think I will be on it long, maybe 9 days, so hopefully it won’t be too bad.

Since we have a long weekend, M and I decided to visit my family. This means golf for M and maybe some beach time for me. I am hoping to recharge this weekend because I know starting Tuesday morning, the next four weeks will be stressful.

Hope everyone has a nice weekend !

6dp5dt

On the way home from work last night, my brother called to ask how I was doing.  I managed to say “shitty” before I lost it. I explained that I tested and it was negative and everyone else has a positive so I must not be pregnant. He, who knows nothing about IVF or IF, said “You probably tested too early, what did the doctor say?” I wanted to hug him. He just let me cry and vent and somehow managed to give me a little bit of hope. He joked and said maybe you pregnant if you are this emotional over something that could be nothing.

Going through IVF is a funny thing. Never in a million years did I think I would be talking about pregnancy test with my baby brother. But that simple call and “how are you doing” meant more to me than he will ever realize. I didn’t feel so alone at  the moment.

Speaking of crying for no reason, I got all choked up this morning. No, I didn’t test! I managed to stay strong. Believe me, I wanted to….I just didn’t want to see a BFN.

I was teary was over a dream. M asked if I slept well and I was like “eh”. He said I was making noises like I had a bad dream. That sparked my memory. I did. It was about demons demanding that my cat be thrown in a fire in order to lift a curse off the house. Seriously, how messed up is it that I even dreamed that. So when I was telling M, I started to cry. What is wrong with me?? Damn you progesterone! By the way, I wouldn’t let  them throw my cat in the fire.

Other than being a weepy mess, I have no real symptoms. A cramp here or there, but nothing like the symptoms I had with the IUI. I am not sure if that is a good or bad sign. In fact I feel good. Better than I have in a while. Hell, I even packed to go to the gym after work!

I would like a sign though. Maybe I could bump into some little old lady that has a sixth sense that says “Congrats on your pregnancy!” And I would say “I don’t think I am pregnant” and she would smile and say “Are you sure??”.

Along those lines, I’ve been asking some people what their “gut feeling” on this is- did it work or not? M is the only person that says yes it worked.  I don’t have a feeling one way or the other either. Is that bad??