The Most Pregnant I’ve Ever Been

I’m still here and chugging along at 38w2d!!

I’m very much in count down mode right now. There are still a few things we need to do, but for the most part, I would say we are about 75% ready! The biggest things are done and I’ve been in complete nesting mode. I just need to find time to do the little things that are left…ya know like figure out how my new pump works and stock the pantry and freezer. 

Since my last post, I haven’t had any more hospital visits. I’ve had a ton of regular BHs, some cramping, some nausea and some pressure/lightening crotch. 
My appointment last week was pretty uneventful, which is not a bad thing! We made it to 37 weeks after all.  Even though we didn’t do a growth scan, I feel like the baby is going to be huge! I mean I feel huge! How do women go to 41 weeks?!? I give them a ton of credit! 

My Ob and I briefly talked about the plan for this week. I have my appointment tomorrow and she will do a cervical check to see if anything has changed. I would be surprised if it did since I haven’t had a ton of painful contractions. I’m probably still just 1cm dilated. I do feel like the baby has dropped some more though.

If things are somewhat favorable we will try a membrane sweep. I’m a bit nervous since I’ve never had one, but how bad can it be compared to every other fertility procedure I’ve had? 

Guess we will see!!


100 Foot Waves

Anxiety, fear, hormones, lack of sleep, I don’t know what it is but I am an emotional mess today.

Getting ready to start the day, I was sitting there and brushing H’s hair and just started crying. I don’t feel like doing anything. I have no motivation or maybe I do, but I don’t have the energy to do anything.

After I dropped H off at school and started my day, I received an email from someone at a nonprofit organization called EverMore in regards to a program called North Star that I am participating in.

I was asked to provide a brief bio and one of the last questions I was asked was if there is any encouragement or message I wanted to share with other bereaved parents/families?

This made me think. What would I say to someone who has experienced something similar to help them? The thing is, there are no words that really can “comfort” you or make the pain/anxiety go away. When you lose a child you are forever changed. But the one thing that has stuck with me, was an excerpt from a story that was read at a hospital memorial service for babies who passed away:

As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.

This pregnancy has been full of waves for me. And today feels like a 100 foot one.

Milestones, hurdles and being disconnected

I am 18w today. I heard the baby’s hb this morning, so I know she is still ok.

However, the next three weeks are going to be as hard as the first three, I think.

The last time I saw Brynn alive was 18w3 days. When we went to our scan at 21 weeks, she had passed. No red flags, no reason why. Just a “well twins are high risk” and that was about it.

So of course, I am anxious and just want to fast forward. But I am also scared even if we get passed 21 weeks, I am using up borrowed time. Does that make sense?

I feel so disconnected from this pregnancy.

I am taking weekly pictures but that is about it. We haven’t purchased anything new for the baby. We have a name, but barely use it. I feel like I am not even giving her a chance, but I think I am too scared to let myself get excited.

Normal given everything or should I really find a therapist?

Fit Bit Experiment- Update 2

The last update I think I had was right after I stopped BCP. Here is how my resting HR is trending

On BCP- Roughly 58-60 bpm.

Lupron- Avg 59 bpm

Stims- Avg 63 bpm.

Retrieval Day- 60 bpm.

The 5 days waiting for the transfer -61 bpm

Today it was 66 bpm. I have no idea why it went up today considering my fat butt has been sitting all day.

Theory #1-I am out of shape since I haven’t exercised in over a month now.

Theory #2- The hormones lowered it before and it’s back to normal?

I know they say it will increase with pregnancy, but I don’t think they mean this early, so I am ruling that out at this point. We will see what the next few days bring.




Baby Olo

Life is so unpredictable.

Had I not miscarried, I would be due this week with baby Olo. 

I don’t know if that is weighing heavily on my subconscious or if it’s the stupid Lupron, but for the last week I have been having very lucid dreams about being pregnant.

Instead of being in the hospital on Olo’s due date, I will be in the RE’s office for my Lupron evaluation.