Still Here…Still Struggling

There were two pregnancy announcements within the last few weeks. Hooray for fertile lucky people.

I, on the other hand, have started a new cycle. Today is CD7 and I just bought some OPKs. I’ve started my new regime of pre-natals, vit D, DHEA, and melatonin and also started trying to get my fat a** to the gym three days a week.

M is also taking his supplements and working out.

I am not really sure if any of it makes a difference to be honest.

We should probably talk about when we want to do our last cycle. We need a lot of the blood work repeated again, and I am supposed to be getting a HSG before I start again. I should get my period again in early Aug so I guess that is when we will start prepping and maybe complete the cycle by Sept/Oct. It sounds so far away but it’s July already. How did that happen? I am lacking motivation to start again. I am not sure if it’s fear or I am just running out of energy pretending to be hopeful.

 

 

 

Not So Happy Friday

Beta came back at 171. That is a DT of 103.5 hours. Bad.

I am supposed to continue my meds and go back on Monday for more blood work and an u/s. I really am not sure why they want to do an u/s since they won’t be able to see anything.

I really was hopeful after getting a 2-3 weeks on the CB Estimator this morning.

I am beyond frustrated and tired. Why is it so effing hard to get and STAY pregnant.

Over the course of trying to have a family, we have done a total of 6 IVF/FET cycles. I’ve gotten pregnant 3 times (once with twins) and lost 3 babies. We have transferred a total of 11 embryos and I have had one live birth. Those are some pretty shitty odds.

I am firing our RE. He is willing to continue playing a numbers game and hope something sticks just because I was able to have one child. We had a consult with another RE yesterday and I liked her because she is willing to do additional immune testing and recheck clotting issues. She also said she wouldn’t do the lupron stop protocol for someone with my numbers (3.6 AMH and 10-17 eggs retrieved).

I just want someone to say, hey this this is the problem and this is how to fix it and you WILL get pregnant and STAY pregnant and deliver a healthy child.

 

Tears in my Coffee

7dp5dt and a clear BFN. I’m calling it folks. Another failed cycle.

Yesterday was rough. I cried off and on all day. Thank God I work from home! I cried when I looked at H. She may never have a sibling. My heart is so broken. 

This cycle was harder than the last. We had a decent quality embryo so why didn’t it take? 

I feel broken and alone. If you have gone through multiple failed cycles, I’m sure you understand the deep sadness. It’s an awful feeling. It’s like the death of someone close to you. It’s grieving for what could have been. What we long for. And what I can’t seem to give my husband and daughter. I honestly can say I don’t know what is next. 

Try again ? Donor eggs, sperm or embryos? Adoption? Acceptance of having one child?

We are running out of money. I’m running out of hope. M told me that every time we have a failed cycle, he fears my void becomes deeper. He is right. 

I have already set up an appt with our RE but I suspect all he will say is we need to do PGS. Sure buddy, do you want to pay for the 4 cycles it will take me to get a decent number of embryos to get to test? 

After four failed cycles with this clinic, I think it’s time to get a second and third opinion. Especially if they don’t suggest any change for the next potential cycle. 

Ideally we need a clinic that accepts our insurance. Any suggestions for to rated fertility clinics on the East coast that specialize in mutiple failed cycles, MFI, and probably old crappy eggs?