Milestones, hurdles and being disconnected

I am 18w today. I heard the baby’s hb this morning, so I know she is still ok.

However, the next three weeks are going to be as hard as the first three, I think.

The last time I saw Brynn alive was 18w3 days. When we went to our scan at 21 weeks, she had passed. No red flags, no reason why. Just a “well twins are high risk” and that was about it.

So of course, I am anxious and just want to fast forward. But I am also scared even if we get passed 21 weeks, I am using up borrowed time. Does that make sense?

I feel so disconnected from this pregnancy.

I am taking weekly pictures but that is about it. We haven’t purchased anything new for the baby. We have a name, but barely use it. I feel like I am not even giving her a chance, but I think I am too scared to let myself get excited.

Normal given everything or should I really find a therapist?


Always a Reminder

I follow several parenting groups on Facebook and when ones about loss or miscarriage pop up I usually read them. 

I wish I didn’t fall into the catagory of women who have gone through losses but on some level I know I’m not alone. 

I was tempted to re-post on Facebook but instead I share it with you- 

This part couldn’t be more true for me:

“Today, I still see his influence in the way I react to situations all around me — whether I take a moment to breathe and refocus when my children are whining and crying or when I’m dealing with a problem at work – his death puts every day in perspective.”

I try my hardest to enjoy every moment I have with H because I know what a miracle she is and how lucky I am to have her.

The Plot Thickens

You guys I am nearing the end of my IVF rope at this point.

So to recap, roughly a week ago I went for my beta after the methotrexate shot. I was told it was 1141 and to repeat the beta on Saturday, which I did. That beta came back at 44. Huge drop right? Well it turns out that I have NO idea where they got 1141 because I got a copy of the actual lab work and the beta was 81. WTF #1.

After Saturday’s beta, my nurse told me to come in this week so we can ensure it was dropping. I did. Turns out today’s beta is 48.9. My RE isn’t concerned since the betas were done in different labs and they probably have different standards/measurements. We will just repeat the beta again next week. WTF#2.

In reviewing my medical records I noticed that I was missing the pathology report from my March biopsy. I asked to have this done to see if the endometritis was gone after one round of the doxycycline. Turns out the clinic can’t find the lab results. It may have not been sent off. WTF #3.

My RE actually called to tell me about WTF #2 and WTF #3. So I told him I am disappointed they don’t have the results. He said he was too and then gave me bs about how he did the biopsy/scratch for therapeutic purposes and the baby aspirin and prednisone have anti inflammatory elements, so more or less he said even if it came back positive, he doesn’t think it caused the miscarriage. Can we call that WTF#4? Because that isn’t the point.

I brought up some of things I have been thinking about (different protocol, supplements, the fact that I can’t stay pregnant) and he basically said he doesn’t think the protocol is the problem at all. He thinks the fact that time has passed (aka I am older) and my ovarian reserve has changed is weighing heavy on the outcome. Our best bet would be PGD. UGH. WTF#5- thanks for hearing me out.

T- minus 3 days until I can wallow in a glass of wine. I am beyond frustrated and annoyed at this point.

After I have my lab work today, I met with my nurse. I was 100% honest with her and told her everything I was thinking. She really encouraged me to talk to my RE and let him know what I was thinking and how I felt. She said that sometime “people” don’t know when they are wrong or have made a mistake unless someone tells them. She also said after I talked to my RE, she would give me her honest opinion on what she would do if she were me. Needless to say, I am going to call her tomorrow and talk to her. I will keep my follow up with the RE just so M can hear it for himself. Just in case I am missing something, but right now it doesn’t sound like my RE is open to exploring any other possible factor, just that we have shit embryos and PGD will be the solution.


Baby Olo

Life is so unpredictable.

Had I not miscarried, I would be due this week with baby Olo. 

I don’t know if that is weighing heavily on my subconscious or if it’s the stupid Lupron, but for the last week I have been having very lucid dreams about being pregnant.

Instead of being in the hospital on Olo’s due date, I will be in the RE’s office for my Lupron evaluation.

Hysteroscopy Day

After a week and a half of waiting, I was finally scheduled for this late afternoon. 

Wake up at 6 and take Snythroid and chug a glass of water. 

7:55am- chug another huge glass of water and shove 1/2 a crosiant down my throat. 8am is the cut off for food/drink.

10am- My mom came up to watch H since M and I won’t be home until probably close to 6:30/7pm. I eyeball H’s chicken sausage and want a bite.

12pm- Tick tock. Man, I’m thirsty. I start some laundry as a distraction. H has some lunch and then fights her nap. 

1:30pm- Finally out the door and on the way. M decides to take the longest slowest route there.

2:45pm- All checked in.  


4:30pm-Procedure is done. Dr told me she took out 4 polyps and scraped things pretty clean. I cried. I wonder if this caused the miscarriage. I suspect Dr. L will call me tomorrow to discuss results and next steps. I’m so happy that we went ahead and had this done. 

I’m in a little bit of pain and am still a little  sleepy. Hoping some food and nap makes me feel better.