Pre-Beta Day

Unfortunately, my nurse is making me wait until tomorrow for my beta since I’ve been out of town. 

That’s a long time! I’m really hoping for strong betas and a strong heartbeat in a few weeks. 

I’m getting decent lines so I think (hope and pray) they are doubling and this baby (aka Apollo) is doing his/her thing. 


Top was yesterday FMU at 15dpo and bottom was today FMU. 

So back to Apollo- I wanted something God like, because let’s face it, this baby is a freaking miracle! Apollo is the God of light and sun, which can represent the light after a dark period for us. And lastly, it even incorporates a little bit of Olo (our little one), who we lost in August.

My only “symptom” is that I have been weepy as hell! No real cramps (thanks god). 

Until tomorrow!!

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Prayers, hopes and a second opinion.

It’s sorta late and I just woke up from a 90 min nap so this will be quick.

I mentioned that we met with a new RE the other day and a few of the things she said. One thing I asked right before we were leaving was if there was anything she would suggest I do/take now that I’m pregnant. She said she would have me on at least 10mg of prednisone. My current RE only had me on 5 and that is because I asked about it in the first place. I immediately went home and took another pill.

My beta was shit on Friday. I tested today to try to see where things were headed. It may seem silly or maybe in denial but now I’m not ready to give up on Noah. Even M said with this baby it’s been like bad new, bad news, good news. 

Look at today’s tests and please send us some happy healthy sticky vibes!

FMU every other day. (First was Tues, middle was Thursday, bottom was this morning)


SMU. Top is Wed, second is Thursday, than Friday, bottom was today.


And the last and most hopeful one. Late afternoon – top was Thursday, middle is Friday and bottom is today!


I really hope we beat the odds!

6 weeks

I was able to get an appointment this morning to see exactly what was going on. I felt sick. Morning sickness? Nerves? Combination? Who knows.

Anyway, we didn’t waste much time. I told Dr. L what happened last night and he said, let’s see what is going on and try to get some answers.

The tech started and I immediately saw the gestational sac. Good news, right? Then I saw the yolk sac. The tech zoomed in and announced the baby was here and we saw the heart flicker. M let out an audible sigh of relief. I think he may have shed a tear to be honest. Dr. L said everything measured right on track for me where are today and he didn’t see anything that was causing the bleeding. I asked if it was possible to get a heart rate and tech said it would be hard since Olo is so small, but she managed to get it and said it was 105. Dr.L said anything over 100 was ok, so I am trying to relax and not read too much on Google.

Our next appointment is next Friday. In the meantime, I am going to try to rest and have faith Olo is a fighter and here to stay.

Anxiety

I am currently in TTC auto-pilot mode. I wake up and take my first pill of the day. At lunch I eventually remember to take my BCP. Even after two rounds of IVF, it’s so stupid to me that as an infertile couple I have to take a birth control pill. I realize the purpose is so different than actually preventing pregnancy. Fast forward to bed time, I take 4 more pills.

I try not to think about the cycle. My subconscious does. The other night I had a dream that M and & I were out and my teeth were slowly crumbling and right when he announced I was pregnant again, they fell out. I told him and the group that I wasn’t pregnant. We were still weeks away from the transfer. Some one in the group suspected we were going through fertility treatments and then the was a raise of hands of how many others were in the same boat.

I guess I am starting to get scared as I finish up the pill. Next week I will have my pre-FET appointment and start the estrogen injections. NEXT WEEK!

I hate the process. I hate the unknowns. I hate the emotional toll it takes.

Up until a few weeks ago, I just assumed it would work. I mean, I would transfer a great blastocyst, my lining would be awesome and I will have had the endometrial scratch. That’s a guaranteed positive, right?

Except it’s not. The stars can align and nothing can happen. Or maybe I get a positive but it turns out to be a chemical or miscarriage. It’s such a crap shoot. An expensive, emotionally tolling crap shoot.

I need to get my head right before we start because right now the more I think about it the more anxious I become. And I think it’s a different type of anxiety from last time. It’s more of I know what I have to lose and it hurts to think about it.

Brynn

In my last post, I said I would post about Brynn. I am going to try but this may be short. It’s hard to put everything into words.

I still haven’t been able to look at the hospital’s memory box for her. I still can’t listen to “You Are My Sunshine” without crying. I don’t know when I will be able to…seriously, have you ever really listened to the words:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You never know, dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my sunshine away

The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamt I held you in my arms
When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head, and I cried

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You never know, dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my sunshine away

The first part reminds me of Harper. She is my sunshine. We have prayed, begged, and pleaded for her and I am not sure she will ever understand how much I love her. The second verse makes me think of Brynn. I will never hold her in my arms and it hurts. More than words can convey.

It’s hard to look at Harper and not wonder what Brynn would have looked like or what she would have been like. I don’t expect those feelings and thoughts to ever go away. 

After a week in the NICU, I wonder if we got further with both girls, if maybe we could have saved Brynn. I know I shouldn’t play the “what if” game and I know how incredibly lucky we are that Harper is here with us. That does mean I don’t see twins and think that was supposed to be us. 

After I delivered Harper, I still needed to deliver Brynn’s placenta. The OB took a look at it and asked if I wanted to see, but I said no. But I did get a glimpse of it, as she put it in a medical container for pathology and i wish I didn’t. I hated knowing that was part of my daughter. We won’t get results until my six week appointment (which is 2 weeks away!) but I am ready to hear them now. 

For now, I am trying to focus on the future with Harper. Of course, we will never forget Brynn and we will continue to incorporate her in our lives. For example, I’ve ordered birth announcements for Harper and included a remembrance about Brynn. When we get H baptized, I want to make sure we acknowledge Brynn as well.

Brynn will forever be our little girl.