Struggling Today

Today is something like CD18, if you count the spotting/super light bleeding after my beta dropped down to 5. I haven’t temped or bothered taking any OPKs so this month is a wash.

We had our WTF meeting a few weeks ago and it went better than expected. We said we would try a different protocol (EPP), throw in more supplements (DHEA and melatonin)  and run more tests (HSG, repeat RPL panel, etc).

That sounded good then but now I’m at a point where I feel like we are wasting money on something that’s not going to ever happen again. 

I have started considering selling all of H’s old baby toys and clothes. I feel like holding on to it is just me holding on to false hope. And yet going through all of it and selling it seems so overwhelming and depressing. Either way it sucks and is a reminder of what has happened.

If I had more time and/or money, I wouldn’t be worried. But my birthday is 3 months away and I feel like we are racing against the clock. 

IF we do another cycle it will be our last. I know we have tried over and over and we did what we could to have another child. 

I’m sure there will be some grieving process to it. I just know we can’t continue down this road forever. 

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Beta Day

I called my nurse yesterday to tell her I was getting very negative pregnancy tests. She sounds pretty upset/disappointed. I asked if I could possible come in Friday for a beta so I didn’t have to go through the weekend doing shots uncessarily. She surprised me and said to just come in now. Unfortunately, I missed the courier so I had to wait until today for the results.

Officially not pregnant. 

Oh and my TSH was 0.37, so lower than it should be. I wonder if it can be too low to get pregnant. I haven’t had any heart palipations so I honestly didn’t know it was that low. I have an appointment with my Endo on Monday so I am sure we will back down to 75 mcg.

I also have our WTF appointment with Dr. L on Monday. I have a list of things I want to discuss with him about where we go from here.

Everything from doing another biopsy, lap, RPL panel, ERA (endometrial receptivity array), additional supplements (including HGH, ubiquinol, and DHEA), PGD, and last but not least donor embryos. I’ve also reached out to a friend who started the adoption process to get more information on that. 

I don’t feel like our journey has ended. It has taken unexpected twists and turns and has taken longer this time around, but I’m not ready to give up yet. We have options. It’s time to begin exploring them with more of an open mind and open heart. 

The Dreaded Wait

The only good thing about IVF is that the TWW really is 9 days as opposed to 14.

It’s still a long 9 days. The first 3 don’t count because you know you can’t test. It’s too early. But by day 4, that little voice gets louder. “You could just test…you never know.” Inevitably, all you get is a BFN (or an indent bc the new FRERs suck). It’s too early. Tomorrow is another day. But maybe, just maybe you will stay strong and skip testing tomorrow.

As you lay in bed wide awake before anyone else is up you start thinking. Do I really feel pregnant? What’s my gut telling me? I need to know in order to prepare myself for whatever the outcome. You debate testing again. But does it really matter what the test says, because let’s face it, you will keep testing. After all it’s still early. That BFN may change to a BFP or that BFP may not get darker. 

IF robs you of patience and optimism. You are always planning for the next step while in the midst of what you are currently going through. There is a cloud of worry and doubt hanging over your head. Too scared to believe that you might never get pregnant or have a child. Or if you do get pregnant you will lose that baby, too. It’s emotional hell. 

At 2pm today, I am officially 5dp5dt and I don’t feel pregnant at all. I’m scared to test and see a BFN and yet I want to test just in case I’m wrong. Maybe I was so busy with Christmas that I didn’t notice a twinge or pull, but maybe I over did it and didn’t rest enough to give Fuzzy a chance. 

This was our third cycle and I’m exhausted. I’m not ready to give up but I also don’t know how much longer we can do this. 

T-Day

Transfer day is here!

For whatever reason this cycle feels like it took longer to get to the transfer then the last two. When we initially said let’s do this last FET I was super optimistic. Then 2 1/2 weeks later I was certain that it was just going to be another bust. Today I’m not sure how I feel. 

Statistically speaking they say that on average it takes three IVF cycles to get pregnant and to have a child. Well, this is cycle number three. Can we maybe catch a break?

I can only hope that the embryo is normal and my lining is fluffy but not inflamed. My plan is to try not to think about it. What will be, will be. 

M kept asking me what I wanted for Christmas. I said to get and stay pregnant. Since no one can grant that wish for me, I said I want a piece of jewelry that symbolizes our family and journey and I would like it before the transfer. 

I pointed him in the right direction and this what he got me –  

Two bracelets. One with a mom charm from H and the other (acorn/oak) is from M. I love them and hope they will bring us some sort of luck.

Lucky Number 13

Beta today was 13…..I was really hoping that after a week and a half it would have dropped to 0. I have no lead follicle and a relatively thick lining. No signs of ovulation (or AF) happening anytime this week. So, we wait.

Friday is our WTF miscarriage appointment. We will talk about options and timing to figure out what we want to do.

  1. Fresh cycle and transfer
  2. Fresh cycle and PGS
  3. Fresh cycle and PGS but transfer the last frozen embryo
  4. FET
  5. Nothing

If the physical/emotion toll, money, time weren’t an object, I’d go with option #2. But I am not sure I want to continue doing this to my body, so maybe we do one more FET and if doesn’t work then we call it quits.

I don’t know what is harder. The thought of trying and trying and not having any luck? Or maybe just realizing two kids may not be in our cards and stopping now.