Tears in my Coffee

7dp5dt and a clear BFN. I’m calling it folks. Another failed cycle.

Yesterday was rough. I cried off and on all day. Thank God I work from home! I cried when I looked at H. She may never have a sibling. My heart is so broken. 

This cycle was harder than the last. We had a decent quality embryo so why didn’t it take? 

I feel broken and alone. If you have gone through multiple failed cycles, I’m sure you understand the deep sadness. It’s an awful feeling. It’s like the death of someone close to you. It’s grieving for what could have been. What we long for. And what I can’t seem to give my husband and daughter. I honestly can say I don’t know what is next. 

Try again ? Donor eggs, sperm or embryos? Adoption? Acceptance of having one child?

We are running out of money. I’m running out of hope. M told me that every time we have a failed cycle, he fears my void becomes deeper. He is right. 

I have already set up an appt with our RE but I suspect all he will say is we need to do PGS. Sure buddy, do you want to pay for the 4 cycles it will take me to get a decent number of embryos to get to test? 

After four failed cycles with this clinic, I think it’s time to get a second and third opinion. Especially if they don’t suggest any change for the next potential cycle. 

Ideally we need a clinic that accepts our insurance. Any suggestions for to rated fertility clinics on the East coast that specialize in mutiple failed cycles, MFI, and probably old crappy eggs? 

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Doctor, Doctor 

A little late but let me fill you in on the RE and Endo appointment from last week. 

First up- the “seriously WTF” appointment with our RE. Prior to meeting, I researched and had an idea of what I wanted to put out on the table. I got the usual talk- we had had luck in the past so we know it’s not all doom and gloom. We have some hurdles but the RE is still optimistic. I want to believe him I really do. I guess I’m just more jaded going into our FOURTH freaking cycle. 

We are talking a break as I mentioned before. Give my body a chance to regulate itself and not to worry about shots and whatnot. Both M and I will take Ubiquinol in hopes of helping with egg and sperm quality. Next month, I will repeat my day 3 blood work for insurance and also do a repeat biopsy to make sure the endometritis is cleared up. If not, I will do another round of doxycycline and will repeat the biopsy in March. Our hope is for me to start BCP in March and only take them for 2 weeks to make sure I’m not I over suppressed. My RE doesn’t think I was last fresh cycle but I don’t know. It took a higher level of meds to get my ovaries to work. My RE kindly pointed out that I’m 3 years older than I was last fresh cycle and we may just have to work a little harder now. Super so I have old eggs now. 

What else…oh right. PGS testing. We discussed it again. I did the math again and after its all said and done, provided we have anything to transfer, it would be roughly $11,800 (without meds) to do a cycle, test and transfer. Conpared to roughly $4000 (without meds) to do a fresh cycle and transfer. 

So basically we could do 3 fresh cycles for the price of one PGS cycle. 

We have time to think it over but financially I’m leaning towards taking our chances and not testing. And being more aggressive and putting 2-3 back. 

Ok enough of the RE visit. I also met with my Endo. I hate the practice. The nurses just annoy me.

I had my vitals taken and then the questions start-

Fatigue? Anxiety? Depression? Trouble sleeping? Constipation?

I answer as nicely as I can. I have a toddler and just had another failed IVF cycle. How am I supposed to tell you if any of my “symptoms” are thyroid related. 

Then the nurse says, “if you don’t mind me asking, how did the last cycle go?” I refrain from saying something inappropriate and just tell her it failed…again. The icing on the cake is when she said “what about exercise?” and “do you drink?” 

I threw my phone at her…in my head. Seriously? Please don’t ever ask something going through IF treatment either of those questions. I don’t know, maybe I was wearing my cranky pants, but until you go through IVF you have no idea of the toll it takes on your body, mind and spirit. 

But to answer her stupid question, yes to both. 

The Endo finally came in and we talked about my TSH and we decided to reduce my meds a little. I’ve also asked her to test my antibody level. They haven’t been tested in 2 years! After some hesitation, she said ok. She also gave me labs to test my TSH, T3 and T4, vitaminD and a1c1.

Luckily I don’t have to deal with the office for another 5 weeks. 

Phew! 

In the meantime I’m continuing to train for the half marathon in March. Yesterday I ran 6.5 and felt pretty good. 

The next few weeks will boring I think. Which isn’t a bad thing I suppose.