On the way home from work last night, my brother called to ask how I was doing.  I managed to say “shitty” before I lost it. I explained that I tested and it was negative and everyone else has a positive so I must not be pregnant. He, who knows nothing about IVF or IF, said “You probably tested too early, what did the doctor say?” I wanted to hug him. He just let me cry and vent and somehow managed to give me a little bit of hope. He joked and said maybe you pregnant if you are this emotional over something that could be nothing.

Going through IVF is a funny thing. Never in a million years did I think I would be talking about pregnancy test with my baby brother. But that simple call and “how are you doing” meant more to me than he will ever realize. I didn’t feel so alone at  the moment.

Speaking of crying for no reason, I got all choked up this morning. No, I didn’t test! I managed to stay strong. Believe me, I wanted to….I just didn’t want to see a BFN.

I was teary was over a dream. M asked if I slept well and I was like “eh”. He said I was making noises like I had a bad dream. That sparked my memory. I did. It was about demons demanding that my cat be thrown in a fire in order to lift a curse off the house. Seriously, how messed up is it that I even dreamed that. So when I was telling M, I started to cry. What is wrong with me?? Damn you progesterone! By the way, I wouldn’t let  them throw my cat in the fire.

Other than being a weepy mess, I have no real symptoms. A cramp here or there, but nothing like the symptoms I had with the IUI. I am not sure if that is a good or bad sign. In fact I feel good. Better than I have in a while. Hell, I even packed to go to the gym after work!

I would like a sign though. Maybe I could bump into some little old lady that has a sixth sense that says “Congrats on your pregnancy!” And I would say “I don’t think I am pregnant” and she would smile and say “Are you sure??”.

Along those lines, I’ve been asking some people what their “gut feeling” on this is- did it work or not? M is the only person that says yes it worked.  I don’t have a feeling one way or the other either. Is that bad??



Retrieval Done!

I woke up early yesterday because I was anxious and couldn’t sleep. My ovaries hurt and I was convinced I was ovulating, so I took at OPK test. Hmph, it was lighter than it was the day before. Yes, I am neurotic like that. I know it’s unlikely that I ovulated, but it’s possible.

M and I had a rough start to the morning. I felt like he was taking his sweet old time! We planned to leave at 7:30am but didn’t get out of the house until 7:50, and then we disagreed on the best way to get there. The highlight of the hour long ride was when Dr. L called to wish us luck and said he would call tomorrow with the results. I really appreciated the call, and couldn’t have asked for a better doctor. Anyway, once we got to the office, M and I were back to normal. We checked in and waited for what felt like forever before we got called back.

Poor M was holding on to his sample since we got there. I think we both were worried they forgot about it and we were closing in on the 2 hr mark. I mean, his stuff is just as important as the retrieval- we sorta need them to collect it and prep it!

Once the lab came for that everything else fell into motion. I met with the anesthesiologist, a post recovery nurse, then finally the doctor. One last trip to the bathroom and I was off to the surgical room. I had to sit on the table and put my legs up in the stirrups, as I was doing this the anesthesiologist injected stuff into my IV and that was pretty much the last thing I remember.

I woke up when the nurse said my name and I think she told me how many eggs we got….and then I started crying. WTF. I am sure she wasn’t expecting that response! Ha, she asked if I wanted her to get my husband. Yes! I have no idea why or what I was saying, but I remember M wiping my eyes and saying you did good, now just rest. It took me a few minutes to get my thoughts together and then asked a very important question- “So, how many did we get???”

We ended up with 17 eggs! I feel so incredibly lucky. Unfortunately, we won’t know how many were mature or how many were fertilized until later today.

As far as the recovery, I took two percocet over the course of the day to help with the cramping. I think I should be okay with Tylenol now. The doctor said I could experience waves of cramping and some bleeding (luckily, I haven’t) but should feel better over the next few days and to just take it easy.

Of course, I barely slept last night in anticipation of call! Fertilize and grow strong my little eggs!




Asato Ma Sat Gamayo

I am going to try to make this my next mantra. It means “Lead me from the unreal to the Real” in Sanskirt.

I think I am going to start yoga in hopes I can find a way to keep my emotions in check through this cycle. I feel like a nutjob.

Case in point, I either was on the verge of tears or I cried when:

  •  I watched an old episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians when Khloe was talking about her infertility experience. I don’t even watch the damn show. I just know what she’s going through and how it feels.
  • My sister told me she was going to announce her pregnant. I couldn’t be happy for her and I know how much they deserve it.  I am so excited to have another niece/nephew!  The only reason it made me tear up is because it reminded me that we haven’t been that lucky yet.
  • I was trying to figure out if I could make it through another baby shower alone in two and a half weeks. I haven’t even brought myself to look at the registry.

I feel like a complete downer wallowing in this. It’s just really hard to not be able to do the one thing by nature we are supposed to be able to do, especially when you want it so much.

On a side note, I am looking forward to the day I can stop taking fake hormones. I think M is too.