I broke down this morning….

and tested. BFN.

and cried. I feel less optimistic now.

This is only my first IVF cycle and I can’t imagine doing it again. The ups of “woohoo, we were able to transfer two good blastocysts and our dr is really optimistic!” to the downs of “what if I can’t get pregnant ?” I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do it again and again.

It’s hard not to place blame on myself if this cycle doesn’t work. The doctor gave us two good blastocysts and I am starting to feel like a failure for not being able to support them. I know how early it is in the game…maybe this is just part of the glorious IVF roller coaster. It just blows.

After a good cry and talking it out with M, he’s begged me not to test again for a few days. My desire to know is so strong but its also making me miserable to see stark white tests. Hence my conundrum.