Pregnant…for a day

Well the bleeding is continuing and I tested before my beta. 


This morning was pretty clear. I don’t expect a beta of more than 8, if it’s even that high. 

Some thoughts on this. On one of the boards I’m on, a poster asked if I successfully had a child already? The reason she was asking was because she felt that her pregnancy had changed her immune system/body’s chemistry preventing her from becoming pregnant from her FETs. 

I’m not saying it’s true, but looking agh my past, I have done 6 cycles and gotten pregnant 3 times. That’s great right? I have a 50% success rate in getting a positive pregnancy test. But here’s where it gets shitty. I have one child. I’m not saying I wanted 6, but I’m saying my odds of getting and STAYING pregnant suck. 

I know doctors don’t really classify a chemical as a pregnancy but I wonder if this now warrants immune testing since it is my third loss.

Beta to come later this afternoon. 

Beta Day

I called my nurse yesterday to tell her I was getting very negative pregnancy tests. She sounds pretty upset/disappointed. I asked if I could possible come in Friday for a beta so I didn’t have to go through the weekend doing shots uncessarily. She surprised me and said to just come in now. Unfortunately, I missed the courier so I had to wait until today for the results.

Officially not pregnant. 

Oh and my TSH was 0.37, so lower than it should be. I wonder if it can be too low to get pregnant. I haven’t had any heart palipations so I honestly didn’t know it was that low. I have an appointment with my Endo on Monday so I am sure we will back down to 75 mcg.

I also have our WTF appointment with Dr. L on Monday. I have a list of things I want to discuss with him about where we go from here.

Everything from doing another biopsy, lap, RPL panel, ERA (endometrial receptivity array), additional supplements (including HGH, ubiquinol, and DHEA), PGD, and last but not least donor embryos. I’ve also reached out to a friend who started the adoption process to get more information on that. 

I don’t feel like our journey has ended. It has taken unexpected twists and turns and has taken longer this time around, but I’m not ready to give up yet. We have options. It’s time to begin exploring them with more of an open mind and open heart. 

Support

Sometimes it’s the little things from the people that you least expect it that mean the most.  

My dad may not get all of the medical crap and he’s certainly not one one to say “I love you” or show raw emotion, but I sense his heart hurts for us. That sort of empathy provides some comfort. It was completely unprovoked and unexpected. 

All tests are still negative and I know my body enough to know we won’t be getting that Christmas miracle this year. 
I’ve cried. I’ve had caffeine. I’ve researched and googled. I have reached out to other clinics for second opinions. 

I’m coping. I have a plan. Or at least a wish list of what I want to do and have happen. 

More to follow soon. 

The Dreaded Wait

The only good thing about IVF is that the TWW really is 9 days as opposed to 14.

It’s still a long 9 days. The first 3 don’t count because you know you can’t test. It’s too early. But by day 4, that little voice gets louder. “You could just test…you never know.” Inevitably, all you get is a BFN (or an indent bc the new FRERs suck). It’s too early. Tomorrow is another day. But maybe, just maybe you will stay strong and skip testing tomorrow.

As you lay in bed wide awake before anyone else is up you start thinking. Do I really feel pregnant? What’s my gut telling me? I need to know in order to prepare myself for whatever the outcome. You debate testing again. But does it really matter what the test says, because let’s face it, you will keep testing. After all it’s still early. That BFN may change to a BFP or that BFP may not get darker. 

IF robs you of patience and optimism. You are always planning for the next step while in the midst of what you are currently going through. There is a cloud of worry and doubt hanging over your head. Too scared to believe that you might never get pregnant or have a child. Or if you do get pregnant you will lose that baby, too. It’s emotional hell. 

At 2pm today, I am officially 5dp5dt and I don’t feel pregnant at all. I’m scared to test and see a BFN and yet I want to test just in case I’m wrong. Maybe I was so busy with Christmas that I didn’t notice a twinge or pull, but maybe I over did it and didn’t rest enough to give Fuzzy a chance. 

This was our third cycle and I’m exhausted. I’m not ready to give up but I also don’t know how much longer we can do this. 

Salt in My Wound 

Today is beta day. 

Since I’m out of town, I’m going to a different Lab Corp for blood work. 

It happens to be in a medical center. You want to guess which kind? It’s an OB medical center. And it even has a one of the elective u/s places for gender reveals. It’s complete with pregnant reserved parking spots. Funny joke universe.

I get in and there’s a young couple (I’m talking maybe 20 years old). I bet they are here for some sort of pregnancy related test. 

After I get this done I get to run to CVS to pick up tampons. That’s right, folks. I have my period and it is in full force. TMI but this is one hell of a period. I don’t know if it’s because of my lining was extra thick for the embryos that never implanted or maybe it’s because my uterus is now clear of polyps. Either way, I guess my body is wiping the slate clean.

Happy Monday!