Bad Things Happen In Threes

1. Federal Shutdown means M is not working or getting paid until further notice.

2. No embryos made it to blast. They just stopped growing.

I’m waiting for #3.  I got a speeding ticket this morning but I think a negative beta would outweigh that.  T- 7 days.

It’s 3dp5dt and I feel like it’s over. I have AF cramps off and on and my cervix is low. I  want to test now just so I can be done with it. And have a glass of wine.

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Five Stages of Grief

When I was 18 or 19, I thought I wanted to be a psychologist. To this day, the human mind, emotions and differences between men and women still fascinate me.

Everyone has lost something/someone valuable at some point in their lives. Whether it be through a bad breakup, death or maybe just bad luck. It usually doesn’t matter what you lost -there are five stages of grief. On Friday, I lost hope that this cycle would work and we would get pregnant and have a baby.

  •  Denial and Isolation- Right up until we got the call from the nurse, I was still hoping that we would get a positive beta. How could we not? The doctors told us we had a great chance! I had two acupuncture sessions, kept my feet warm the entire TWW, and talked to our twins.Then M’s phone rang. I knew it was negative. I felt alone. I cried to M, but I don’t think he understood how I felt. He didn’t test and see the negatives. He didn’t have to put his body through the physical demands I had.  He didn’t feel that cramp on Friday night and pray it was an implantation cramp. His body didn’t fail us, mine did.
  •  Anger- Forewarning here- I am going to sound like a real B. On Saturday, I thought that maybe going to a softball tournament would help distract me. I was wrong. I was surrounded by pregnancy and babies. It felt like every conversation was about how big their bellies were or how they are feeling. I don’t care. Can we talk about something else? My anger came out in more tears. Why does it seem so damn easy for everyone else? I am angry that no one seemed to to care or get it. Why would they- they haven’t gone through any of this. For them it was easy. Have sex = get pregnant. And here’s where I sound even more evil, for the ones that had some problems, I still didn’t want to be around them. I was jealous. They have something that (right now) doesn’t seem attainable.
  • Bargaining- I think I am dipping my toes in this now. Maybe we should have more testing done before this IVF.  I am beginning to ask myself what can I do to make the next time a success. Should I be on a super strict bed-rest? Should I eat pineapple core? What else can I do?? Maybe I wasn’t ready last time, maybe I didn’t want it bad enough? Ugh the what ifs and maybes.
  • Depression- Can I get up in the morning and go to work? Yes. Do I still cry randomly? Yes. I understand that this isn’t the end of the world, but right now the world that I had hoped for no longer exists. I feel defeated. I know other women have gone through this- I just don’t know of any. It’s hard sometime to talk about it with friends or family (and I know you guys read this and support me, so don’t take this the wrong way) but they don’t necessarily understand the pain that comes with this.
  •  Acceptance- Remember that picture I posted a while back. The battle of the head vs heart. My head knows that we have another chance or two, my heart still hurts. A lot. I’m scared of another failed cycle but I know I need to move forward. I wish I could just snap my fingers and be back to normal and excited/optimistic about another chance. I am just not there yet. I think M is, which makes it harder. Why is it that he can compartmentalize things and I can’t? I wish I could think like a man during this whole experience. Feeling is effing exhausting.

So that’s where I am today. We have out WTF appointment tomorrow morning and I have a billion (okay maybe like 5) questions for Dr. L. I hope we can get some answers and I begin move forward.

P.S. I also could care less about the Royal Baby.I’m sure there are other things the news can focus on. Just saying.