Second Angelversary

Dear Brynn, 

Tomorrow will be two years since we found out that you left us. 

This week of the year is one of the hardest for me. I remember two years ago feeling twitches. You and your sister moving around and kicking each other. I remember going to the anatomy scan and confirming we had healthy twin girls. And this time, you were the one who was kicking H. 

Three weeks later, our world came crashing down. What was supposed to be the best birthday present for your dad was the worst.  

We went home, in shock, and just cried. I felt sick. I don’t understand what happened or why it happened. I don’t think I ate or showered for days. And all the while, H was moving around and I felt her. Grieving for you and trying to stay strong for your sister felt impossible to balance. 

When I’m laying in bed with H now, I think of how you two would snuggle, play and giggle if you were here with us. It brings tears to me eyes. I still can’t talk about you without crying. 

I’m searching for a book for H to help me explain our family. And how she has the most beautiful sister in heaven. A true angel. 

This is the last picture I have of you. I’m so grateful for every ultrasound and even the video we have of you. 

20140121-173442.jpg
You were and will always be so loved.  We miss you tremendously, Brynn. 

10DPO, Teething, and Ornaments

This is my life- multi-tasking!

I had AF like cramps the other day and thought, hmm I guess I am due for AF to show soon, I wonder when. I actually had to look at FF to see what day I am! A year ago, I could tell you what day I was on, what my temperature was, and all the other TWW symptoms. Today happens to be 10DPO. Our odds are low so I am not going to bother wasting money on a test unless I don’t get my period next week. I suppose the distraction is nice.

Speaking of the distraction…holy teething. M is constantly saying he doesn’t understand how such a little thing can produce so much saliva. He’s right. Bibs are constantly wet and there is usually a pool of drool where ever H has been. Anything she can get her little hands on goes straight in her mouth. We have cold teething rings/keys, wooden teething balls, silicone teething things, books, blocks….it doesn’t matter. If she can’t fit it in her mouth, she growls. Seriously. I can not wait for her teeth to break through. I see them through her gums, but nothing popping up yet. I know I shouldn’t rush it, but I can’t wait to see what she is going to look like!

Last weekend we got her 6 month pictures taken, and I can’t wait to see those! We did a few family holiday shots as well, which I plan to use for our holiday cards. I remembered to take Brynn Bear (BB) with us, but I am not sure those pictures turned out great.

We will be spending Christmas with my family this year, which I am so excited about! I also am prepared for it to be sad, just as Thanksgiving was. I made photobooks of H’s first 6 months for the Grandparents as the presents, but also wanted to do something for Brynn. I am part of a loss group on FB and a lot of the ladies mentioned creating ornaments. I thought that was a great idea, so I found a store on etsy and placed an order.  It’s a glass ornament that says: image1

As soon as I saw it, I cried and knew it was perfect. I ordered a different one for us to hang on our tree since H will also have one for her 1st Christmas.

I hope the grandparents love it as much as I do!

Dreams

I had what I think was probably my first dream about Brynn last night. I’m not sure if it was due to talking to a friend about her pregnancy (with twins) that triggered it, or maybe beginning to heal.

I don’t remember much of it, but I remember crying and being sad (somehow sad doesn’t seem to accurately describe the feeling).

When I fed Harper this morning, I looked and her and remembered Brynn and felt that she was with us.

Later on, while we were all in bed (yes, we co-sleep in the mornings) Harper reached over for M’s tattoo of Brynn’s name. I was able to say her name without crying.

Perhaps all little signs that she is telling me she’s ok.

October 15, 2014

Brynn,

A year ago today, your dad and I didn’t know you AND your sister existed. Imagine our surprise when Dr. L told us we were having twins! We were shocked, scared, but most of all ecstatic. I, of course, started planning right away! Your poor dad was going to be bombarded with pink and glitter and tea parties…and he would secretly love it, I’m sure!

We were so fortunate to get as many ultrasounds as we did, and I have saved every single one of you girls.

We weren’t prepared to say goodbye to you and we will never know why you were take from us. But we will never forget you.

Tonight, we remember you by lighting a candle.

IMG_0382.JPG

As I sit here writing this, your dad is holding your sister as she sleeps. Please continue to watch over her. You may not be here us, but we have not forgotten you for a second. You will always be part of our family, my peanut.

Love always,
Mama

Brynn

In my last post, I said I would post about Brynn. I am going to try but this may be short. It’s hard to put everything into words.

I still haven’t been able to look at the hospital’s memory box for her. I still can’t listen to “You Are My Sunshine” without crying. I don’t know when I will be able to…seriously, have you ever really listened to the words:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You never know, dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my sunshine away

The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamt I held you in my arms
When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head, and I cried

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You never know, dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my sunshine away

The first part reminds me of Harper. She is my sunshine. We have prayed, begged, and pleaded for her and I am not sure she will ever understand how much I love her. The second verse makes me think of Brynn. I will never hold her in my arms and it hurts. More than words can convey.

It’s hard to look at Harper and not wonder what Brynn would have looked like or what she would have been like. I don’t expect those feelings and thoughts to ever go away. 

After a week in the NICU, I wonder if we got further with both girls, if maybe we could have saved Brynn. I know I shouldn’t play the “what if” game and I know how incredibly lucky we are that Harper is here with us. That does mean I don’t see twins and think that was supposed to be us. 

After I delivered Harper, I still needed to deliver Brynn’s placenta. The OB took a look at it and asked if I wanted to see, but I said no. But I did get a glimpse of it, as she put it in a medical container for pathology and i wish I didn’t. I hated knowing that was part of my daughter. We won’t get results until my six week appointment (which is 2 weeks away!) but I am ready to hear them now. 

For now, I am trying to focus on the future with Harper. Of course, we will never forget Brynn and we will continue to incorporate her in our lives. For example, I’ve ordered birth announcements for Harper and included a remembrance about Brynn. When we get H baptized, I want to make sure we acknowledge Brynn as well.

Brynn will forever be our little girl.