Milestones, hurdles and being disconnected

I am 18w today. I heard the baby’s hb this morning, so I know she is still ok.

However, the next three weeks are going to be as hard as the first three, I think.

The last time I saw Brynn alive was 18w3 days. When we went to our scan at 21 weeks, she had passed. No red flags, no reason why. Just a “well twins are high risk” and that was about it.

So of course, I am anxious and just want to fast forward. But I am also scared even if we get passed 21 weeks, I am using up borrowed time. Does that make sense?

I feel so disconnected from this pregnancy.

I am taking weekly pictures but that is about it. We haven’t purchased anything new for the baby. We have a name, but barely use it. I feel like I am not even giving her a chance, but I think I am too scared to let myself get excited.

Normal given everything or should I really find a therapist?


16 weeks

It is going by slowly and quickly all at the same time.

Because I’m with the high-risk group I get an ultrasound every month which helps my anxiety a little bit. I’m still very much in denial though.

I am pregnant. After four failed IVF cycles, an IUI worked. That is crazy to me! 

But here we are… I got to see my baby girl and hear her heartbeat today again. That’s right – another girl!! 

So far all of our testing has come back normal/low risk. 

I’m not really sure when it’s going to sink in. I haven’t felt her move  (thank you very much fluffy anterior placenta) but maybe when I do that will help?
The next big milestone is the anatomy scan in four weeks. Not only to make sure everything looks OK, but because drs suspect that we lost Brynn between 19 and 20 weeks. 

Praying everything continues on this path of looking very normal!