Struggling Today

Today is something like CD18, if you count the spotting/super light bleeding after my beta dropped down to 5. I haven’t temped or bothered taking any OPKs so this month is a wash.

We had our WTF meeting a few weeks ago and it went better than expected. We said we would try a different protocol (EPP), throw in more supplements (DHEA and melatonin)  and run more tests (HSG, repeat RPL panel, etc).

That sounded good then but now I’m at a point where I feel like we are wasting money on something that’s not going to ever happen again. 

I have started considering selling all of H’s old baby toys and clothes. I feel like holding on to it is just me holding on to false hope. And yet going through all of it and selling it seems so overwhelming and depressing. Either way it sucks and is a reminder of what has happened.

If I had more time and/or money, I wouldn’t be worried. But my birthday is 3 months away and I feel like we are racing against the clock. 

IF we do another cycle it will be our last. I know we have tried over and over and we did what we could to have another child. 

I’m sure there will be some grieving process to it. I just know we can’t continue down this road forever. 


Always a Reminder

I follow several parenting groups on Facebook and when ones about loss or miscarriage pop up I usually read them. 

I wish I didn’t fall into the catagory of women who have gone through losses but on some level I know I’m not alone. 

I was tempted to re-post on Facebook but instead I share it with you- 

This part couldn’t be more true for me:

“Today, I still see his influence in the way I react to situations all around me — whether I take a moment to breathe and refocus when my children are whining and crying or when I’m dealing with a problem at work – his death puts every day in perspective.”

I try my hardest to enjoy every moment I have with H because I know what a miracle she is and how lucky I am to have her.

Our “Really WTF” Meeting

Plans changed and I will be out of town for our Really WTF meeting so I was able to get an appointment with our RE today. It’s in 45 minutes and here is what I am going in with:

  •  Is the Lupron Stop the best protocol? Can we consider going back to Antagonist or try Estrogen Priming?
  • Do we have to use birth control? Why?

Previous Cycles: Aug 2014- 17 eggs, 10 mature, 9 fertilized (2 to freeze!) Antagonist 

Sept 2013- 16 eggs retrieved, 14 mature, 12 fertilized- BCP & Lupron 

Oct 2016- Retrieval. 17 eggs, 13 mature and 11 fertilized. BCP & Lupron 

May 2016-Retrieval. 11 eggs, 10 mature and 9 fertilized. BCP & Lupron 

  • Repeat Day 3 & Recurrent Loss Panel. Throw ASA test? 
  • What is the min dose of Ubiquinol for us to take? DHEA for me? 
  • Is it worth looking at sperm fragmentation? 
  • Should we consider doing another HSG and also a lap to rule out endo? 
  • Should we do another endometrial biopsy? What is causing/caused the inflammation? 
  • What is the risk of another ectopic now that I have had one? What can we do to minimize the risk?
  • With a 50% pregnancy rate and 100% miscarriage rate, what honestly are our odds of having a biological child?
  • Knowing these stats, can we assume that the ONLY issue is embryo quality? Seems I can get pregnant but not stay pregnant. What can we do on the forefront to rule out other issues
  • Do we consider donor egg, sperm, embryo?

I have asked M to ask some of these questions since at this point I don’t think my RE really likes me questioning his choices. Or should I say lack of action.

Hit me up with other things I should ask!!

I Am Nowhere

Every week in one of my fertility support groups* we do a roll call to see where people are in their cycle or what they have going on.

This week, I am nowhere.

My beta is down and I’ve started bleeding. That was what we were waiting for, except now I have no plan. 

I’m not waiting for anything, I have no real next steps. All I have is a desire for another child and yet no motivation. The hope is really dwindling. 

I’ve been slacking and haven’t started my supplements again even though I was ok to start a little over a week ago after waiting my two weeks for the methotrexate shot to clear. 

We have an appointment with the old RE next week. I’m going to prepare a list of questions and concerns and see what he says. Since M will be there I’m considering him make the call on our next steps. Do we stay there (assuming something changes and my demands are met) one last time or do we say our peace and move on? I don’t know if that means another RE or we just stop trying. 

Last week I also experienced my ruptured ovarian cyst. I was on the verge of tears and couldn’t move for about 10-15 minutes and then it passed. I called my nurse and got an us the following day and it should a pocket of fluid in my pelvic cavity and other cysts on my right ovary. 

I feel like all of these cycles and meds have really screwed up my body! 

* the support group I’m in is actually nice to have. These women have been through 3+ IVF failed cycles and some also have had losses. It’s awful to be part of that and yet nice I don’t have to go on boards with people that just say to relax or really don’t understand how real the anxiety and stress an be from multiple failed cycles and multiple losses are. 

The Plot Thickens

You guys I am nearing the end of my IVF rope at this point.

So to recap, roughly a week ago I went for my beta after the methotrexate shot. I was told it was 1141 and to repeat the beta on Saturday, which I did. That beta came back at 44. Huge drop right? Well it turns out that I have NO idea where they got 1141 because I got a copy of the actual lab work and the beta was 81. WTF #1.

After Saturday’s beta, my nurse told me to come in this week so we can ensure it was dropping. I did. Turns out today’s beta is 48.9. My RE isn’t concerned since the betas were done in different labs and they probably have different standards/measurements. We will just repeat the beta again next week. WTF#2.

In reviewing my medical records I noticed that I was missing the pathology report from my March biopsy. I asked to have this done to see if the endometritis was gone after one round of the doxycycline. Turns out the clinic can’t find the lab results. It may have not been sent off. WTF #3.

My RE actually called to tell me about WTF #2 and WTF #3. So I told him I am disappointed they don’t have the results. He said he was too and then gave me bs about how he did the biopsy/scratch for therapeutic purposes and the baby aspirin and prednisone have anti inflammatory elements, so more or less he said even if it came back positive, he doesn’t think it caused the miscarriage. Can we call that WTF#4? Because that isn’t the point.

I brought up some of things I have been thinking about (different protocol, supplements, the fact that I can’t stay pregnant) and he basically said he doesn’t think the protocol is the problem at all. He thinks the fact that time has passed (aka I am older) and my ovarian reserve has changed is weighing heavy on the outcome. Our best bet would be PGD. UGH. WTF#5- thanks for hearing me out.

T- minus 3 days until I can wallow in a glass of wine. I am beyond frustrated and annoyed at this point.

After I have my lab work today, I met with my nurse. I was 100% honest with her and told her everything I was thinking. She really encouraged me to talk to my RE and let him know what I was thinking and how I felt. She said that sometime “people” don’t know when they are wrong or have made a mistake unless someone tells them. She also said after I talked to my RE, she would give me her honest opinion on what she would do if she were me. Needless to say, I am going to call her tomorrow and talk to her. I will keep my follow up with the RE just so M can hear it for himself. Just in case I am missing something, but right now it doesn’t sound like my RE is open to exploring any other possible factor, just that we have shit embryos and PGD will be the solution.