Today was the first time H said Brynn’s name.
We were in her room and I scooped her up as we were getting ready for bed. She pointed over to Brynn’s shadow box. It has been there since we decorated the nursery almost two years ago now. I guess she’s never noticed it.
I said “that is Brynn’s” and she just looked at me and said “Brynn’s”. My heart exploded. I wish I could have said more. I wanted to but honestly I didn’t want to scare her by crying. M was in the room but I didn’t look at him either.
My sister put the shadow box together for me. It has the baby shower invitation that she bought. Since I was going to have twins in mid May, we thought it best to have a shower in March. Luckily (I guess?) we found out about Brynn shortly before she mailed out the invitations. The glitter heart was for Brynn’s diaper cake that was ordered; H’s is hanging on her dresser. The purple loveys have her name embroidered; H has her pink ones in her crib. The pictures in the frame are also the last ultrasound pictures.
The silver box was a gift from my aunt. She put in our 3D gender reveal ultrasound pictures and had the top engraved with Brynn’s name. Inside the box are a few things the hospital gave us, including a tiny baby hat.
That is Brynn’s corner. I only wish I had more to remember her by.
I am self diagnosed with DOR (diminished ovarian reserve) based on my CD3 labs.
My nurse said Dr. L reviewed them and said they were fine, but I am stressing because I don’t think they are! Especially compared to 9 months ago:
The FSH:LH ratio is way off 1:2.5 and it should be 1:1. My estrogen is way high. All signs are pointing to DOR.
My cycle was so screwed up. I finally ended up getting my period on CD40! I wonder if it just because I am old (36) and/or I started taking Ubiquinol to help with egg quality. It contains soy, ugh. So now I need to find a brand that doesn’t have soy.
Fuck me. Getting old sucks.
Tomorrow will be two years since we found out that you left us.
This week of the year is one of the hardest for me. I remember two years ago feeling twitches. You and your sister moving around and kicking each other. I remember going to the anatomy scan and confirming we had healthy twin girls. And this time, you were the one who was kicking H.
Three weeks later, our world came crashing down. What was supposed to be the best birthday present for your dad was the worst.
We went home, in shock, and just cried. I felt sick. I don’t understand what happened or why it happened. I don’t think I ate or showered for days. And all the while, H was moving around and I felt her. Grieving for you and trying to stay strong for your sister felt impossible to balance.
When I’m laying in bed with H now, I think of how you two would snuggle, play and giggle if you were here with us. It brings tears to me eyes. I still can’t talk about you without crying.
I’m searching for a book for H to help me explain our family. And how she has the most beautiful sister in heaven. A true angel.
This is the last picture I have of you. I’m so grateful for every ultrasound and even the video we have of you.
You were and will always be so loved. We miss you tremendously, Brynn.
Cycle day 32. BFN and no AF.
I don’t even know when I ovulated since I stopped testing at CD14 since I was traveling without M, so it didn’t really make a difference since there would be no attempts for the next 7 days. It’s been 6 months since I’ve ovulated on my own and have a had a “real” period. I am not counting bleeding after a failed IVF since it’s sort of forced when I stop the progesterone.
As soon as she rears her ugly head, I will call my nurse and schedule my CD3 blood work for insurance purposes and another biopsy. My CD3 labs have always been fine in the past and within normal range, but now that I need them to be normal so insurance hopefully approves our next IVF cycle, I am nervous that something will be wonky.
During my IVF break, I have been enjoying a nice glass of red wine every once in a while, running longer distances*, eating delicious tuna sandwiches, and treating myself to coffee. I have also continued with the pre-natals, vitamin D and added Ubiquinol into the mix.
*I know plenty of women exercise during their pregnancy, and I attempted to with the girls. The first trimester I barely had enough energy to make it 7pm without crashing and the MS sucked. After we lost Brynn, I took no chances and didn’t want to risk anything, so I took the next 17 weeks super easy.