Sometimes it’s the little things from the people that you least expect it that mean the most.  

My dad may not get all of the medical crap and he’s certainly not one one to say “I love you” or show raw emotion, but I sense his heart hurts for us. That sort of empathy provides some comfort. It was completely unprovoked and unexpected. 

All tests are still negative and I know my body enough to know we won’t be getting that Christmas miracle this year. 
I’ve cried. I’ve had caffeine. I’ve researched and googled. I have reached out to other clinics for second opinions. 

I’m coping. I have a plan. Or at least a wish list of what I want to do and have happen. 

More to follow soon. 


The Dreaded Wait

The only good thing about IVF is that the TWW really is 9 days as opposed to 14.

It’s still a long 9 days. The first 3 don’t count because you know you can’t test. It’s too early. But by day 4, that little voice gets louder. “You could just test…you never know.” Inevitably, all you get is a BFN (or an indent bc the new FRERs suck). It’s too early. Tomorrow is another day. But maybe, just maybe you will stay strong and skip testing tomorrow.

As you lay in bed wide awake before anyone else is up you start thinking. Do I really feel pregnant? What’s my gut telling me? I need to know in order to prepare myself for whatever the outcome. You debate testing again. But does it really matter what the test says, because let’s face it, you will keep testing. After all it’s still early. That BFN may change to a BFP or that BFP may not get darker. 

IF robs you of patience and optimism. You are always planning for the next step while in the midst of what you are currently going through. There is a cloud of worry and doubt hanging over your head. Too scared to believe that you might never get pregnant or have a child. Or if you do get pregnant you will lose that baby, too. It’s emotional hell. 

At 2pm today, I am officially 5dp5dt and I don’t feel pregnant at all. I’m scared to test and see a BFN and yet I want to test just in case I’m wrong. Maybe I was so busy with Christmas that I didn’t notice a twinge or pull, but maybe I over did it and didn’t rest enough to give Fuzzy a chance. 

This was our third cycle and I’m exhausted. I’m not ready to give up but I also don’t know how much longer we can do this. 

Introducing Fuzzy

Thaw rate was 95-100%. The RE said we couldn’t do better there. He also said the meds are clearly working for me since my uterus looked great. Why thank you, sir.

Without further adieu, here is Fuzzy- named given his/her appearance.

I think before it was frozen, it was an AB or BA. Unfortunately, once they are graded and frozen they aren’t given grades when thawed. Just thawing percentages.

M and I have never had “pretty” embryos so I’m trying not to get all judgy about Fuzzy.

Instead I hope he/she gets nice and cozy.


Transfer day is here!

For whatever reason this cycle feels like it took longer to get to the transfer then the last two. When we initially said let’s do this last FET I was super optimistic. Then 2 1/2 weeks later I was certain that it was just going to be another bust. Today I’m not sure how I feel. 

Statistically speaking they say that on average it takes three IVF cycles to get pregnant and to have a child. Well, this is cycle number three. Can we maybe catch a break?

I can only hope that the embryo is normal and my lining is fluffy but not inflamed. My plan is to try not to think about it. What will be, will be. 

M kept asking me what I wanted for Christmas. I said to get and stay pregnant. Since no one can grant that wish for me, I said I want a piece of jewelry that symbolizes our family and journey and I would like it before the transfer. 

I pointed him in the right direction and this what he got me –  

Two bracelets. One with a mom charm from H and the other (acorn/oak) is from M. I love them and hope they will bring us some sort of luck.