I feel like so much has happened in just the last week.
- I received a call from our hospital’s Perinatal Loss Committee Chair Board member. She was calling to let me know invitations to this year’s memorial service would be going out soon and asked if I was planning on attending. I said yes. She then asked if I would consider speaking this year. I teared up right then. I told her I would need to think about it and let her know. On one hand, I am not sure I am ready or want to. And then I think of the audience. Would some one who lost their baby later or after birth get upset that someone like me, who has experienced a late loss (~20-21weeks), is speaking? I never met or held Brynn. But on the other hand, I feel like this would be such a nice way to honor her, because we never did get to meet or hold her. We didn’t get to bury her or have a service for her. I am not sure what I am going to do. I know people say every loss is hard, and having gone through two at very different stages I agree they both are hard. And yet very different (at least for me). Not to mention, I have H from that pregnancy. Sometimes I feel like I am in a very weird category of twin/loss mom.
- I had my mock transfer and endometrial scratch appointment. The nurse who was doing the scratch was saying something like how they are painful. I said “I know, this is my third one.” She looked at me and said something along the lines of you poor thing. I was like no, you don’t understand. I asked for it! The two other times I’ve had the scratch I have gotten pregnant. I think even my nurse was surprised I asked for it. During this visit, the nurse noted my lining was pretty thick for being on bcp. I saw exactly what she was talking about. The lower left of my lining was much thicker than it should be. Red flag. There was talk about remaining tissue. The u/s images were sent to my RE and he said I need a hysteroscopy this week. He said he thinks there may be a polyp, but the lining is definitely thicker than it should be, especially on the one side. It’s interesting that there was no sign of anything abnormal back in May/June when we did the mock. I am waiting on the date, but it looks like it will be Thurs or Friday. I am hoping this won’t delay things but I think it’s a wait and see game now.
- My TSH has spiked up to 5.4. Stupid bcp. This explains why I have been in bed between 7:30-9 for the last week. Yes, 7:30pm and I am not a toddler. I am increasing my meds to 100mcg and basically self managing since my Endo is on vacation for the next 3 weeks. I will stay at 100 until I get down to 1 and then I may drop to 88mcg. It depends on my levels while stimming.
- Speaking of stimming, I start Lupron on Wednesday! I am excited and terrified. I don’t care about the shots anymore, I am more anxious about the follicle growth, fertilization and embryo development. All things more or less outside of my control.
- Within the last week, I have had 2 pregnancy announcements pop up on Facebook. I think what makes them so hard is that are due right around when Olo was due. (I would have been 13 weeks on Wednesday.) Both couples have kids younger than H- one has a 6 month old and one has an 11 month old. I know that shouldn’t matter, but if I am being honest, it does. I don’t know why. (Also, I really hope that I am not the only one that does the ‘I would have been X weeks’.) I am happy for them, especially the couple with the 11 month old since they lost their daughter to a genetic disease when she was a little over a year, but I guess I just want to drink the same water they are drinking from the fertile cooler. Instead, I just snuggle with H a little longer.
We have some bumps along the way, but I am trying my hardest to remain positive and look at the things we are doing to complete our family.