I feel like so much has happened in just the last week.
- I received a call from our hospital’s Perinatal Loss Committee Chair Board member. She was calling to let me know invitations to this year’s memorial service would be going out soon and asked if I was planning on attending. I said yes. She then asked if I would consider speaking this year. I teared up right then. I told her I would need to think about it and let her know. On one hand, I am not sure I am ready or want to. And then I think of the audience. Would some one who lost their baby later or after birth get upset that someone like me, who has experienced a late loss (~20-21weeks), is speaking? I never met or held Brynn. But on the other hand, I feel like this would be such a nice way to honor her, because we never did get to meet or hold her. We didn’t get to bury her or have a service for her. I am not sure what I am going to do. I know people say every loss is hard, and having gone through two at very different stages I agree they both are hard. And yet very different (at least for me). Not to mention, I have H from that pregnancy. Sometimes I feel like I am in a very weird category of twin/loss mom.
- I had my mock transfer and endometrial scratch appointment. The nurse who was doing the scratch was saying something like how they are painful. I said “I know, this is my third one.” She looked at me and said something along the lines of you poor thing. I was like no, you don’t understand. I asked for it! The two other times I’ve had the scratch I have gotten pregnant. I think even my nurse was surprised I asked for it. During this visit, the nurse noted my lining was pretty thick for being on bcp. I saw exactly what she was talking about. The lower left of my lining was much thicker than it should be. Red flag. There was talk about remaining tissue. The u/s images were sent to my RE and he said I need a hysteroscopy this week. He said he thinks there may be a polyp, but the lining is definitely thicker than it should be, especially on the one side. It’s interesting that there was no sign of anything abnormal back in May/June when we did the mock. I am waiting on the date, but it looks like it will be Thurs or Friday. I am hoping this won’t delay things but I think it’s a wait and see game now.
- My TSH has spiked up to 5.4. Stupid bcp. This explains why I have been in bed between 7:30-9 for the last week. Yes, 7:30pm and I am not a toddler. I am increasing my meds to 100mcg and basically self managing since my Endo is on vacation for the next 3 weeks. I will stay at 100 until I get down to 1 and then I may drop to 88mcg. It depends on my levels while stimming.
- Speaking of stimming, I start Lupron on Wednesday! I am excited and terrified. I don’t care about the shots anymore, I am more anxious about the follicle growth, fertilization and embryo development. All things more or less outside of my control.
- Within the last week, I have had 2 pregnancy announcements pop up on Facebook. I think what makes them so hard is that are due right around when Olo was due. (I would have been 13 weeks on Wednesday.) Both couples have kids younger than H- one has a 6 month old and one has an 11 month old. I know that shouldn’t matter, but if I am being honest, it does. I don’t know why. (Also, I really hope that I am not the only one that does the ‘I would have been X weeks’.) I am happy for them, especially the couple with the 11 month old since they lost their daughter to a genetic disease when she was a little over a year, but I guess I just want to drink the same water they are drinking from the fertile cooler. Instead, I just snuggle with H a little longer.
We have some bumps along the way, but I am trying my hardest to remain positive and look at the things we are doing to complete our family.
I’m sitting in the airport waiting for my flight. I scroll through Facebook and see a post from Resolve- The National Infertility Asssociation that catches my eye. It’s brutally honest artwork that shows the reality of infertility. Take a look if you get a chance.
I loved the crib filled with medicine boxes and sharps containers. I guess I can relate because I still had a half filled sharps container from two years ago!
Some of the work is a bit much for me, but I guess that’s what great about art. These women are going through their own journey and have found a way to express their feelings in a positive manner and maybe help someone else feel not so alone.
Our tentative plan flew out the window after we got the insurance coverage estimate. So now, we have a new plan which won’t bankrupt us.
We originally planned on doing a fresh cycle, but rather than transferring a fresh embryo, we would transfer the one frozen one we have left. That would be $6,700. And anything that made it to day 5 from the fresh cycle would be sent off for PGS testing. That would have cost us another $6,300 to biopsy, test and freeze. That doesn’t include medication. Grand total= $13k.
Instead, we will do a fresh cycle and transfer a fresh embryo. That’s $3,500. Leave the frozen one frozen and if we have anything left from the fresh cycle, we will bank those to be tested if necessary. Freezing is $1,800. Testing if needed is $4,500. Grand total= $9,800.
Either way we would be taking a chance on transferring an untested embryo. The big question was do we test now or wait and see. I can make the argument for either case….and I have.
Even if we decide to test the fresh embryos that we would freeze later on, that would still put us ahead of the game.
I know that we are taking a risk by not doing PGS right now. Everything about getting pregnant is a gamble. Even with PGS there is not a 100% pregnancy and live birth rate or your money back guarantee. Wouldn’t it be great if that existed!
I think this is the best decision for us for right now. All I can say is how thankful I am to have my new nurse! She is so understanding and she genuinely cares. After figuring it all out, I talked to her about the new tentative plan. She said it made sense to her and she understands what we are trying to do (maximize insurance, not go broke, and have another child) and is going to take care of everything on her end so we don’t have to worry about anything. Whew! I think I will be able to sleep a little better tonight!
I was really debating what to write about.
I was thinking about how this time of year always makes me think back a few years and how our journey has had incredible highs and lows.
Maybe I would share a video I found someone shared with me about loss and saying goodbye.
Or recap how I spent some time with an old friend and how much I admire her strength and heart. And how she is a mother even if she doesn’t have any biological children (yet?).
Instead I found this……
I love this quote.
Life is all about choices. Even when you don’t make a choice, that IS a choice.
We made a choice to do a FET. We took a chance and prayed it would work. It did and changed our lives. Do I regret it? No. I don’t. While it was only for a short time, Olo was part of our family just as Brynn was, and Harper is. I am saddened by his short stay and wish things turned out differently but I will never regret the time I had with him.
M and I have talked about our choices. They all involve chance. There is no guarantee, we know that all too well.
We have a tentative plan….with tentative dates. I am making a choice. I am taking a chance. No matter what the outcome, it will change my life.
I’m on the pursuit of happiness and I know, everything that shine ain’t always gonna be gold. Hey, I’ll be fine once I get it, I’ll be good.
There are many interpretations of the song, but for me it pumped me up for our WTF miscarriage meeting with Dr. L yesterday.
We talked for an hour about everything. At the end of the day, we decided it makes the most sense to do a fresh cycle again.Whether or not we transfer is yet to be decided. We can transfer the frozen embryo or a fresh one. But we are leaning towards doing PGS on any fresh embryos that we can.
At one point Dr. L said he was impressed with how I thought everything out and he could tell I put a lot of time and thought into every scenario. Yes, sir I over analyze. A lot. He said he sees women come in and make emotional decisions, but I was making logical points without having my emotions get in the way. That’s a first for me, but I will take the compliment.
I asked him given our past and our ages/issues, what are our real chances of having a “normal” embryo after PGS. He said 50/50. That means IF we get 4 good embryos to make it to day 5 (which given our past seems accurate), then only 2 would be normal. Now those odds aren’t what I would like, but we need to consider how many kids we want. I don’t want 5 kids, so it’s ok if we only get 2, right? That means we have a decent chance to have 2 or maybe 3 kids. I would hate to have 4 or 5 normal embryos and two kids. We would be faced with deciding what to do with them. They are part of me and M and it would hurt to destroy them. They are our babies. Some people may not agree or understand that, and that’s ok. But going through this whole process has changed my outlook on life.