What Should Have Been

I would have been 8 weeks yesterday. My plan was to put H in a “big sister” shirt and see how long it took my parents to notice. Then we would all be excited and talk about Olo. 

Instead I’m still lightly spotting, eating cookies and drinking way too much caffeine. 

It sucks. 

I had labwork last week to check my folate and vitamin d level (among other things). They were both in the normal range. So I  not sure I can “blame” that for losing Olo. I don’t know if that makes me feel better or worse. If they were low at least it could have been a reason and something to fix.

I’m petrified of doing IVF with PGS. We have an appointment next Friday to talk about what our options are. I hope to find some sense of something besides anxiety going into this. The idea of IVF isn’t what scares me. It’s if we have abnormal embryos.  I don’t know what we will do.

Stream of thoughts 

I’m back at the RE for another ultrasound. As I wait here my mind is racing. 

I know it’s an ultrasound to confirm I’ve had a compete miscarriage and won’t need a d&c. And yet a small piece of me hopes I will be the lucky one in a million that gets a miracle and sees the baby. 

I can’t help but to google and start to wonder if any of this is my doing. I don’t want to say fault because I certainly didn’t do anything intentional to cause this but what if my TSH levels were too high and I should have waited until they went done to do the transfer. I found this from a study: 

 According to the Guidelines, subclinical hypothyroidism increases pregnancy complications. In particular, there is a significantly higher rate of miscarriage (6.1%) in women with Hashimoto’s disease who have TSH levels between 2.5 and 5.0 mIU/L, versus the 3.6% miscarriage rate of women who have Hashimoto’s disease with TSH levels below 2.5 mIU/L.

Fuck. 

Then I wonder if I should have taken an additional folate supplement. We all know the correlation between low folate levels and miscarriages. See below.

Folate is extremely important for the creation of new cells so it makes all the sense in the world that you need extra in early pregnancy when you consider that babies are 100% new cells. Folate is especially important for the development of a baby’s nervous system, which occurs within the first few weeks of pregnancy, often before a woman even knows she is pregnant. If she does not have enough folate available to help support this crucial stage in her baby’s development, by the time she gets to the 6th or 7th week of pregnancy (2 or 3 weeks after missing a period), a miscarriage can occur.

I was so excited for Olo and still nervous about juggling two kids. Maybe some higher power/karma knew that? I don’t know. 

Maybe I’m just seeking an answer. The what ifs and whys suck. 

For whatever reason I feel like this is my first miscarriage. Losing Olo feels different than losing Brynn. Not easier. Not harder. Just different. I think maybe because I held on to Brynn for 14 weeks after losing her. I didn’t have the bleeding or cramps. While her loss was sudden and unexpected, I still had time with her. With Olo, we barely bonded. I hate feeling like that. 

Trying to look forward 

Yesterday I felt fine.  Sad, but physically ok. No cramps and light bleeding/heavy spotting. I decided to clean the house. The last week I’ve been taking it easy to so it felt good to be up and doing something. Even symbolic I suppose. Sort of like wiping the slate clean.

Today, I have cramps and the bleeding has picked up. I suppose my body got the memo and is working to eliminate any thing remaining of this pregnancy. 

Besides being angry and disappointed, I’m nervous to try again. But I also don’t want to give up. 

I’m not sure where we go from here though. 

We have one frozen embryo left. It hasn’t been tested though so I’m not sure if I want to use it. Or maybe we do a fresh cycle first. Then the question is do we test those (provided we have anything that makes it to day 5/6) and wait to do another FET. 

There are other factors that are weighing on my mind- 

Prior to the transfer and the day after this loss, my platelets have been slightly high. Is this a red flag? Research says not really but I need confirmation I guess. 
Given that I have hashimtos, should my RE or endo be suggested something that I’m not currently doing besides taking Synthroid. 

We have some insurance coverage – only 2 more cycles will be partially covered (PGS won’t be). I’d like to maximize this as much as possible since I may meet my OOP deductible by the end of the year. 

We did some testing after the first failed cycle (ANA, MTHFR, etc) the only thing that it showered was Hetro MTHFR. Does this need to be repeated? Can things blood clotting issues change ? I’m already taking baby aspirin due to MTHFR -is that enough?

I think if I have a plan I will feel better. I just don’t want to keep at this with the same result and want to make sure we are doing everything we can to increase our odds. 

I realize this seems like I’m probably not hurt by the loss since I’m so focused on moving forward. The thing is if I really stop to think about it I don’t think I can move forward. It so hard to think that M and I have lost two babies. Especially when I look at H, because I know just how amazing she is and how full she has made our lives and hearts. I hope Brynn and Olo know just how much they were wanted and are loved. 

All out of luck…

The ultrasound showed a clot where Olo was supposed to be. No sac. No baby.

I don’t understand how in just 48 hours things look so different. 

I’m still bleeding but haven’t had many more clots and little to no cramping. We lost Olo. 

One doctor said its possible (but very unlikely) the baby is behind the clot but Dr. L said I could stop all the estrogen and progesterone because things don’t look good. I had blood work to check my beta and a CBC and then we talked to our nurse and Dr. L some more.  I cried. I said I’m not sure how many babies I can lose before I’ve had enough. It’s just so unfair. I know I’m preaching to the choir here, but I also know you guys really get it. 

I tried to nap. I’m hoping it’s a bad dream but I know it’s not. 

I’m pretty numb now. In denial I suppose. I go back on Monday for another ultrasound to confirm everything has passed.