I am currently in TTC auto-pilot mode. I wake up and take my first pill of the day. At lunch I eventually remember to take my BCP. Even after two rounds of IVF, it’s so stupid to me that as an infertile couple I have to take a birth control pill. I realize the purpose is so different than actually preventing pregnancy. Fast forward to bed time, I take 4 more pills.
I try not to think about the cycle. My subconscious does. The other night I had a dream that M and & I were out and my teeth were slowly crumbling and right when he announced I was pregnant again, they fell out. I told him and the group that I wasn’t pregnant. We were still weeks away from the transfer. Some one in the group suspected we were going through fertility treatments and then the was a raise of hands of how many others were in the same boat.
I guess I am starting to get scared as I finish up the pill. Next week I will have my pre-FET appointment and start the estrogen injections. NEXT WEEK!
I hate the process. I hate the unknowns. I hate the emotional toll it takes.
Up until a few weeks ago, I just assumed it would work. I mean, I would transfer a great blastocyst, my lining would be awesome and I will have had the endometrial scratch. That’s a guaranteed positive, right?
Except it’s not. The stars can align and nothing can happen. Or maybe I get a positive but it turns out to be a chemical or miscarriage. It’s such a crap shoot. An expensive, emotionally tolling crap shoot.
I need to get my head right before we start because right now the more I think about it the more anxious I become. And I think it’s a different type of anxiety from last time. It’s more of I know what I have to lose and it hurts to think about it.