Anxiety

I am currently in TTC auto-pilot mode. I wake up and take my first pill of the day. At lunch I eventually remember to take my BCP. Even after two rounds of IVF, it’s so stupid to me that as an infertile couple I have to take a birth control pill. I realize the purpose is so different than actually preventing pregnancy. Fast forward to bed time, I take 4 more pills.

I try not to think about the cycle. My subconscious does. The other night I had a dream that M and & I were out and my teeth were slowly crumbling and right when he announced I was pregnant again, they fell out. I told him and the group that I wasn’t pregnant. We were still weeks away from the transfer. Some one in the group suspected we were going through fertility treatments and then the was a raise of hands of how many others were in the same boat.

I guess I am starting to get scared as I finish up the pill. Next week I will have my pre-FET appointment and start the estrogen injections. NEXT WEEK!

I hate the process. I hate the unknowns. I hate the emotional toll it takes.

Up until a few weeks ago, I just assumed it would work. I mean, I would transfer a great blastocyst, my lining would be awesome and I will have had the endometrial scratch. That’s a guaranteed positive, right?

Except it’s not. The stars can align and nothing can happen. Or maybe I get a positive but it turns out to be a chemical or miscarriage. It’s such a crap shoot. An expensive, emotionally tolling crap shoot.

I need to get my head right before we start because right now the more I think about it the more anxious I become. And I think it’s a different type of anxiety from last time. It’s more of I know what I have to lose and it hurts to think about it.

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PSA

Since I am passing time waiting for the actual “fun” part of my FET cycle to start, I figured I would share 2 quick PSAs with you!

1. Don’t be afraid to check and double check your clinic’s bills and insurance coverage/payment. I realize not every insurance company covers infertility stuff (in fact most don’t) BUT that doesn’t mean that they can’t/won’t cover doctor’s appointments like the consultation or testing result appointments. I just got our estimate for our FET ($2k). That included all of my appointments and saline sonogram before we even get started. I looked at our EOB and insurance covered 2 non-testing appointments at 100% but I had already paid the $40 co-pay.  I spoke with the financial person at the clinic and she said they will have that $80 and apply it to what we owe. It may not be a lot, but it’s something.

2. Not long ago the EWG released a report on BPA free canned goods. We don’t use a lot of canned stuff, but it was still a good FYI. Especially when you read how BPA can affect your endocrine system (hello, thyroid issues.) After having Harper, I am definitely more aware of healthy foods and chemicals/processed things. Now, don’t get me wrong. I can’t afford to feed her a 100% organic grass-fed diet all of the time. And eating out would be close to impossible, but I can at least control some things. (Who doesn’t like control in the IF world?). Along with that, I was recently introduced to a skin care/household line that features natural (no chemical) line of products. I am talking sunscreen and bug spray and even dish liquid. More things I can control! And if I can limit the amount of crap H eats and wears, than I feel like I am doing what I can. Check out the workshop on Wednesday night at 8pm- https://www.facebook.com/events/1441621416146047/ or you can take a look directly at the products here and enter party number 74830 at check out.

In other FET news, one week down of BCP and another 2 to go.

Hi, I Have My Period

That was the voicemail I left for my nurse earlier today. Today marks the beginning of a new cycle…which also means our first FET.

Since it was late in the day, she told me that she would get all of my dates tomorrow and let me know what the plan is. I thought I would have to go in for a CD3 baseline, but I guess since I did that last month, I don’t have to now? I am a little confused with the FET process. I think I will be on BCP for 2-3 weeks and then start some sort of estrogen? We will see.

Speaking of FET, I am a little nervous about the dreaded side effect: weight gain.

I’ve lost all of the IVF weight and baby weight. I read on one forum that people actually gained more from their FET cycle than their fresh cycles. Super. But I know that it will be worth it. I am going to try to be better this time around and be more consistent with working out.

M and I talked last night about the what ifs. And if this cycle works, we wouldn’t tell anyone for a while. Not like last time. The minute we got our betas we told our family. I think we are just really cautious this time. We aren’t as naive. And if it works out and we make it past the first trimester and get a good NT scan, then we will tell family and close friends. Facebook may find out when we have baby in our arms. I may have to break the rules and tell someone earlier because I will need support in case we are faced with bad news. And then there are the few of you out there that I know- so I will have to decide what I want to do with the blog after the transfer.

I know that is so far down the road, but I wanted to make sure M and I were on the same page.

In other news, H took her very first steps today! I shrieked and squealed! I couldn’t have been more proud of her. My heart overflows with love for the kid and I couldn’t imagine my life without her. When I was rocking H to sleep, I thought of Brynn. I wondered what she would have looked like now, if she would be walking now and how they would play together. Such bittersweet moments. I suspect I will have them all of my life.

Bumpy Thyroid & Crazy Ovulation

At my last RE appointment, we were all guessing I would get a positive OPK on Wed/Thursday. Well, I didn’t get one until late Friday. And then I continued to get them through Monday, so not really sure what that means for this cycle. I had some O pains on Friday/Saturday, so I am guessing I ovulated then. I didn’t temp to confirm this month so I could be 9dpo or 7dpo, who knows.

I also had an appointment with my Endo. She agreed that I needed increase my meds to 50mcg. Here is the weird thing- she thinks taking it  7x a week would be too much ( I disagree and told her that) but she said that once I start the bcp I should increase it to 7x a week. I am okay with that plan for now. The last time it was checked it was in the 2 range and that was taking 25mcg 6x a week and 50mcg 1x a week.  I guess she is all about how it averages out over the week. My old endo would just have me take the same dose every day. To each their own I guess. At the end of the appointment she did an exam and said my thyroid felt bumpy. She wanted me to get an ultrasound just to be on the safe side before we start the FET process.

When I went to the ultrasound place, I was surrounded by pregnant people. Since we have been blessed with H, I felt ok being there. They were going to get to see their babies and that made me happy for them.  It’s so incredibly hard to be happy for someone when you are struggling and I think that is perfectly ok and normal. I wish I would have accepted that two years ago. Anyway, the nurse called me and two very pregnant ladies back all at the same time to the changing rooms. While I technically wasn’t there because I am pregnant, I still felt like I was there as part of the pregnancy process. I don’t know how much sense that makes to anyone else.

Anyway, the radiologist said my thyroid looks exactly like it would for someone with Hashimotos. Being an expert in ultrasounds now, I was able to see what she was talking about. It was patchy and filled with black spots (bumps).

Here is what a normal thyroid looks like:

Screen Shot 2015-06-01 at 12.13.33 PM

And this is what mine looks like:

IMG_4065

The radiologist said I should have an ultrasound done every year or two just to make sure nodules don’t develop since I am at a slightly increase risk of thyroid cancer due to Hashimotos. I know there have been studies and publications on gluten and Hashimotos, I should really research more. My very first Endo suggested going GF, but my second one said it wouldn’t matter. I haven’t asked my current Endo. Yes, that makes 3 Endos. I am picky about my Dr’s what can I say?

So besides have a bumpy and patchy thyroid, everything looked good!

Now, we wait for AF to show so I can get on the pill. Happy Monday!