Giving Thanks

Today is bittersweet for me.

One year ago today, M and I were at his brother’s house for Thanksgiving. We happened to tell his brother about the twins during our visit. During our prayers, M’s brother asked God to watch over us and the babies. Thinking about that moment makes me cry.

But today is about giving thanks.

I am grateful for all of the people that have supported M and I over the last year, through all of the ups and downs.

I’m so grateful for Harper. I look at her and can’t imagine my life without her. Today also happens to be her six month birthday.

I am grateful for Brynn. She taught us what unconditional love really is. I am grateful that she will always watch over Harper, just like any sister would. I am grateful she was with me for 5 months- of course, forever would have been long enough.

I am grateful that the girls have made me a mother.

At dinner tonight, I will put on the bravest face I can and not cry when we say a prayer- for one year ago I had both girls and today I have one in my arms and one in my heart.

I wish you all a very Happy Thanksgiving!

TTC all over again

I know I have a mix of people who are at very different stages of their journey that follow my blog so I want to be as sensitive as possible. Infertility and assisted reproduction are a bitch. Experiencing a loss is heart wrenching. So believe me, I am not taking any part of what I am about to share for granted nor am I naive again.

M and I have talked about it and don’t feel our family is complete just yet.

I know most doctors want you to wait roughly 18 months before trying to have another kid, but let’s face it, time is not really on our side. With that being said , I we have a plan.

Now that Harper is 6 months old and my cycles are pretty much back to normal we will try naturally (haha) for the next 6 months. Once Harper turns 1, we will head back to our clinic to start the testing all over again. We have two frosties so that one option, or we can try a fresh cycle first. I really haven’t thought about that yet.

I actually bought my first OPKs and have started using them this month. No positive yet, but it’s still pretty early. I’ve thought about temping but my waking schedule is pretty inconsistent, so I am not sure how accurate that would be. I may try that next month.

To be honest, I am not sure how I am going to feel when AF shows after saying we are trying. I am not really counting on anything happening until June, but I at least want to start the process again knowing how long it can take.

So, here we go again!

Dreams

I had what I think was probably my first dream about Brynn last night. I’m not sure if it was due to talking to a friend about her pregnancy (with twins) that triggered it, or maybe beginning to heal.

I don’t remember much of it, but I remember crying and being sad (somehow sad doesn’t seem to accurately describe the feeling).

When I fed Harper this morning, I looked and her and remembered Brynn and felt that she was with us.

Later on, while we were all in bed (yes, we co-sleep in the mornings) Harper reached over for M’s tattoo of Brynn’s name. I was able to say her name without crying.

Perhaps all little signs that she is telling me she’s ok.