October 15, 2014

Brynn,

A year ago today, your dad and I didn’t know you AND your sister existed. Imagine our surprise when Dr. L told us we were having twins! We were shocked, scared, but most of all ecstatic. I, of course, started planning right away! Your poor dad was going to be bombarded with pink and glitter and tea parties…and he would secretly love it, I’m sure!

We were so fortunate to get as many ultrasounds as we did, and I have saved every single one of you girls.

We weren’t prepared to say goodbye to you and we will never know why you were take from us. But we will never forget you.

Tonight, we remember you by lighting a candle.

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As I sit here writing this, your dad is holding your sister as she sleeps. Please continue to watch over her. You may not be here us, but we have not forgotten you for a second. You will always be part of our family, my peanut.

Love always,
Mama

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Inspiration?

Since we’ve started our TTC journey, I’ve befriended several women and have kept in touch, as we all are in different stages. One woman just came back from her first u/s and shared she was pregnant with twins. Of course, I am so happy for her and yet my heart hurts. She was kind enough to say she hoped that this wasn’t bring back painful memories and I am an inspiration of strength.

I would be lying if I said talking about twins is easy. What I need to remember is that I am still a mom to twins- we just weren’t granted the opportunity to meet Brynn. So in that aspect, I don’t feel complete. But we had one beautiful little miracle and for that I know we are blessed. I still struggle with it and cry. I don’t feel very strong some days!

Last week, I went to a memorial service the hospital organized for perinatal losses. There was one quote that really stayed with me.

“The child that we had, but never had, and yet will have forever”.

I’m so glad we have some memories of Brynn. She will always be my little peanut.