M is home watching the baby, so I’m taking advantage of that and am sitting at a salon getting a much needed pedicure. Since I have some time, I thought I would post something that’s been on my mind.
Not long ago, a friend and I were talking about our kids and she asked if I could imagine having two. I am not sure what my face looked like. After all she knew we lost one of the twins. I mumbled something along the lines of “it would be hard, but we would make it work”.
I’m sure she meant no harm by it. We were talking about how little sleep we were getting and how our husbands did things.
Of course I imagined how two, that’s what M and were preparing for all along. I imagined having two daughters. I imagined one looking more like me and the other more like M. I imagined them babbling to each other and playing with one another.
I knew it would be hard, and there would be days that I would cry out of frustration. But I never imagined what actually happened.
I told M about the conversation. He too thinks about all of the things that were supposed to be. Two little girls laughing in our house.
He asked when and how we would tell Harper about her sister. I don’t know. That’s one conversation I haven’t imagined having.
Maybe when she is 2 or 3? Is that too late?
Will she even feel like something is missing? Will she care like we do?
I often wonder if people think because Harper is here that M and I have moved on and are “over” losing Brynn. It’s not something we talk about with other people anymore, but if they only knew how much we do talk about her and how much our hearts still ache for her, perhaps they would think before they speak.