Think Before You Speak

M is home watching the baby, so I’m taking advantage of that and am sitting at a salon getting a much needed pedicure. Since I have some time, I thought I would post something that’s been on my mind.

Not long ago, a friend and I were talking about our kids and she asked if I could imagine having two. I am not sure what my face looked like. After all she knew we lost one of the twins. I mumbled something along the lines of “it would be hard, but we would make it work”.

I’m sure she meant no harm by it. We were talking about how little sleep we were getting and how our husbands did things.

Of course I imagined how two, that’s what M and were preparing for all along. I imagined having two daughters. I imagined one looking more like me and the other more like M. I imagined them babbling to each other and playing with one another.

I knew it would be hard, and there would be days that I would cry out of frustration. But I never imagined what actually happened.

I told M about the conversation. He too thinks about all of the things that were supposed to be. Two little girls laughing in our house.

He asked when and how we would tell Harper about her sister. I don’t know. That’s one conversation I haven’t imagined having.

Maybe when she is 2 or 3? Is that too late?

Will she even feel like something is missing? Will she care like we do?

I often wonder if people think because Harper is here that M and I have moved on and are “over” losing Brynn. It’s not something we talk about with other people anymore, but if they only knew how much we do talk about her and how much our hearts still ache for her, perhaps they would think before they speak.

Gratitude

I can’t believe that a year ago we were starting our second round of IVF and now here we are…with our daughter.

It feels like it’s been SO much longer! It was filled with excitement over seeing two lines, anxiety of doubling betas, awe of two perfect little girls, grief of losing Brynn, and overwhelming love for Harper.

Yes, I’m tired and I may have puke/drool/snot/milk on me but everyday when I look at H, I’m amazed and so grateful. Now I can’t imagine my life without her.

A while ago I read a post on a forum about a women who had twins through IVF and how she received a negative comment from someone when she said she was putting the kids in daycare and going back to work. She was asked “if you have so much money to spent on IVF, why do you have to work and put the kids in daycare. I figured you’d want to stay home with them since you tried so hard for them”. This really stuck with me.

Even before reading the inappropriate comment, I was counting down my FMLA and essentially having panic attacks. I can’t imagine leaving H for 8+ hours every day. Hell, I can barely leave her with M for more than 2 hours without worrying about her.

After a lot of consideration and back and forth, I’ve decided to get a new job that will allow me to work from home with reduced hours. I gave my current job notice today. It was both liberating and absolutely terrifying.

While this new job will allow me to spend time with Harper, it was also reduce my salary…a lot. But daycare costs would do the same thing.

So, going back to what that poster said- for me, I feel like we put so much time, effort and emotion into having a baby, if I can make it work, shouldn’t I try to stay at home with her as long as I can? I don’t want to miss the firsts or only spend an hour with her before it’s bedtime.

I hope no one takes this as me saying what I think others should do. I realize I am fortunate enough to be able try it and I also know that some people are ready to go back. Everyone is different – there is no “right” way to balance work and family. At the end of the day, we all need to figure out what makes us happy, right?

I have no idea if the new job is going to work out- financially, intellectually, mentally, or emotionally. But I’m going to try it.