This week marks a huge milestone – we made it to 24 weeks! Every day H stays put increase our chances of a healthy baby.
We had our weekly appointment today. We had a new tech and she immediately told us how sorry she was for our loss. While I hate every part of it, it’s comforting that this practice cares enough to review my file before seeing me. I asked if she would need to see B and just to let me know so I could turn away when she did. H was actually very calm, so we got some good shots of her heart. Both the tech and dr seemed pleased with how things looked today, which means I am happy.
As I was leaving the appointment, I got a message through FB from a friend. She heard the news and let me know I wasn’t alone, she too understands the heartache associated with a loss. She shared this poem:
Why did this have to happen to us?
You may never know the answer to that.
Am I being punished?
How could you think of anything so precious as being a punishment?
I feel so empty.
Yes, but this was not always so, remember how long you had her with you.
I don’t know if I can bear this pain.
It is tremendous, but it will get better.
Would it have been better if I had not known you at all?
No. You are so blessed to have been touched by this life.
I wanted you so badly.
Oh, but she wanted you too. You were chosen from all the others.
I had so much love to give.
And you did. She knew nothing but your love.
I would have been a good mother to you.
I wanted to protect you from the world.
You did. She experienced only the comfort and safety of your womb.
I wanted to have you with me forever.
She will always be with you. To love, time does not exist.
I would give anything to hold you just once.
You will hold her in your heart forever.
Now that I have probably made you cry, I want to share where my head is at these days.
Not a day goes by that I don’t think of B. That I don’t imagine what would have been- tea parties and dress up, tutus and family outings. How the girls would cuddle with M as he read them bed time stories.
Not a day goes by that I don’t worry about H. And then how much I smile when H kicks me. Sometimes it takes me by surprise and I playfully push back.
I’ve thought about looking at my registry, but I can’t yet. I can’t just delete B’s things. Nor can I change my facebook picture with two sets of booties. It’s like I am deleting her. I hate that feeling, because it couldn’t be further than the truth.
How do you balance feeling so incredibly sad for the loss of one child and celebrate the life of another?
I think like every thing else, unless you have gone through it, you can not fully understand what it means to lose a child. It’s not something that I will ever “just get over” or go back to “normal”.
I know I’ve changed because of this. For better or worse, well that depends on the day. Some days I feel stronger than others. Today, I’ve cried…a lot, but I am doing the best that I can and for today, that’s good enough.