Viability

This week marks a huge milestone – we made it to 24 weeks! Every day H stays put increase our chances of a healthy baby.

We had our weekly appointment today. We had a new tech and she immediately told us how sorry she was for our loss. While I hate every part of it, it’s comforting that this practice cares enough to review my file before seeing me. I asked if she would need to see B and just to let me know so I could turn away when she did. H was actually very calm, so we got some good shots of her heart. Both the tech and dr seemed pleased with how things looked today, which means I am happy.

As I was leaving the appointment, I got a message through FB from a friend. She heard the news and let me know I wasn’t alone, she too understands the heartache associated with a loss. She shared this poem:

Two Sides

Why did this have to happen to us?
You may never know the answer to that.

Am I being punished?
How could you think of anything so precious as being a punishment?

I feel so empty.
Yes, but this was not always so, remember how long you had her with you.

I don’t know if I can bear this pain.
It is tremendous, but it will get better.

Would it have been better if I had not known you at all?
No. You are so blessed to have been touched by this life.

I wanted you so badly.
Oh, but she wanted you too. You were chosen from all the others.

I had so much love to give.
And you did. She knew nothing but your love.

I would have been a good mother to you.
You are.

I wanted to protect you from the world.
You did. She experienced only the comfort and safety of your womb.

I wanted to have you with me forever.
She will always be with you. To love, time does not exist.

I would give anything to hold you just once.
You will hold her in your heart forever.

Now that I have probably made you cry, I want to share where my head is at these days.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of B. That I don’t imagine what would have been- tea parties and dress up, tutus and family outings. How the girls would cuddle with M as he read them bed time stories.

Not a day goes by that I don’t worry about H. And then how much I smile when H kicks me. Sometimes it takes me by surprise and I playfully push back.

I’ve thought about looking at my registry, but I can’t yet. I can’t just delete B’s things. Nor can I change my facebook picture with two sets of booties. It’s like I am deleting her. I hate that feeling, because it couldn’t be further than the truth.

How do you balance feeling so incredibly sad for the loss of one child and celebrate the life of another?

I think like every thing else, unless you have gone through it, you can not fully understand what it means to lose a child. It’s not something that I will ever “just get over” or go back to “normal”.
I know I’ve changed because of this. For better or worse, well that depends on the day. Some days I feel stronger than others. Today, I’ve cried…a lot, but I am doing the best that I can and for today, that’s good enough.

Second Opinion is Priceless

After everything we went through last week and talking to my sister, she suggested we get a second opinion. One of her friends has had multiple miscarriages and a very sick baby. She was the one to recommend what will be our new MFM.

I was able to get an appointment for today, which was great. I don’t like waiting. I actually slept in until 6:30 this morning, which is rare on the day of doctor appointments, but since I’ve felt H move more often, I wasn’t too worried about her. However, once we got to the office, my stomach was upset. I was nervous after all.

The good news is that We got to see Harper again and she is doing well. She’s measuring one day ahead (23w3d) and weighs a whopping 1lb4oz. The tech doing the scan kept saying how fast she was and “strong willed”. Every time the tech needed to zoom in on on area Harper would move and make it harder to see! M is hoping for an athlete with all of her quick moves!

They also needed to look at Brynn, but I asked them to turn the monitor so we didn’t have to see.

After that we met with the Dr. She had such a good bedside manner and was honest about everything. She said with the passing of one twin at this stage, I am going to carefully monitoring for pre-term labor and keeping a close eye on Harper and her health. She said we could probably monitor every 2 weeks, but for my peace of mind she is more than happy to do weekly u/s. I wanted to hug her! She actually said, I can’t imagine what you are going through and I want to make sure you are getting what you need too.

What was also interesting is that she said I shouldn’t go past 37 weeks. There is no reason to keep Harper in if she is ready to come out at 36/37 weeks. Again, I couldn’t agree more.

So that’s the plan. Weekly visits and trying to remain calm and positive!

I only wish we were going to her 4 weeks ago.

Happy Valentine’s Day

My heart is exploding. 

Exploding with love and sadness. Today was supposed to be different. I would get a card for M and tell him how much the girls and I love him and we would go out and celebrate our family. 

It’s so hard to balance the hope I have for H (baby A) and the sadness for B (baby B). I will always love both of my girls, I just hold one in my heart and god willing the other in my arms. 

I always talked to the girls and started playing them music over the last few weeks, but now I feel even closer and more connected to H than I did before. I pay more attention to her movements and worry more about her. It’s hard not to blame myself, ya know. Maybe if I was more connected I would have know there was a problem. Maybe if I payed attention to where the movement was, I could have told the OB. I just took it for granted, and for that I will never be able to forgive myself. I know better now. 

M and I have received an overwhelming amount of support from family and friends. Everything from flowers to food to texts/calls. We appreciate it all and every single prayer and thought. I just got this from my sister: 

Image

I haven’t left the house or showered since Tuesday, but I know at some point I need to. I’ve kept myself somewhat distracted with work and making Dr appts. Next week we will see another MFM for a second opinion. I need to know we are getting the best care possible for H. 

The baby shower and babymoon have been postponed. I am not sure when/if I will be ready for that. M asked if I wanted to just wait until after H was born and bring her on the “babymoon”. It broke my heart. When H is born….B was supposed to be born too. I’ve started thinking of ways I want to remember and honor B. In my mind, she will always be my little baby that was kicking and wiggling around at our last ultrasound. She was finally getting back at H and kicking the dividing membrane. 

They say the pain never goes away, you just get used to it. The one quote I find solace in right now is this:

“Babies lost in the womb were never touched by fear, they were never cold, never hungry, never alone and importantly always never love”

 

 

A Perfect Little Soul

I want to start by warning you that this post is going to be all over the place since my mind is racing.

Every time I have a pregnancy related appt I wake up at 5am. Even though things have always checked out fine, I am always anxious. This morning was no different.

M and I checked arrived right on time for our MFM appointment. We were escorted to an examine room and I was told to undress from the waist down. The first part of the exam was to check my cervix. Nice and long and closed. Good. We could even see Baby A’s head.

As always, the tech started with Baby A and did some quick scans. Everything looked fine. She was wiggling around and her hb was 138. The tech moved on to Baby B. She immediately said she could tell she was smaller. I confirmed that’s why we were here. At the anatomy scan Baby B measured about a week behind.

The tech started taking measurements. I knew within seconds something was wrong. She was still only measure around 17 weeks. I turned away. I knew she had passed away. M kept on looking, I couldn’t even look at him. The tech confirmed there was no cardiac activity and stopped the ultrasound. I think M was confused. I just started crying. Baby B died.

I don’t understand how or why it happened. We just saw her three weeks ago and she was kicking and squirming. Sure she was smaller, but she was a fighter.

I just went to the OB last week and they told me they heard both heart beats. Obviously that isn’t possible. I hate them right now. I feel like I was lied to for the last 3 weeks. The anatomy tech said things looked good. My OB said everything was fine. It’s not good or fine. It couldn’t be further than good.

The Dr came in after the tech left to talk to us. She explained that unfortunately she can’t pinpoint what happened, but more than likely it was chromosomal and usually this “type” of thing happens much earlier. She continued on saying that sometimes it may provide an odd sense of comfort knowing that one baby died to help the other baby out, and now our pregnancy had become less of a risk. With twins there were so many complications like pre-ecplamsyia or pre-term labor.

I get what she is saying, but that doesn’t help the immense grief we are going through right now. We lost one of our daughters. How can you feel so much pain, sadness and loss for someone you’ve never met?

The dr explained that the baby would just be reabsorbed and I should go on to have a healthy pregnancy.

I hate thinking that my body will just act like she didn’t exist. She did and she was a perfect little soul.

M and I trying to process it all right now. It’s so hard, especially since I can feel Baby A kicking as I type this. I pray that our little angel continues looks over her sister.

 

 

 

 

21 Weeks

The girls and I saw the OB today. It was a boring appointment that I could have done without. All they did was check our vitals- blood pressure, weight, fundal height, urine sample, and heartbeats. All normal. I am thankful for that- I was hoping I would get an ultrasound though. I am anxious to know how Baby B is doing! Did she catch up to her sister? Is she still behind?

Instead, I was referred to a MFM. The OB giving me the referral said if I was “normal” and there was no difference in growth, he would send me to a regular radiologist, but he would rather be safe and refer me to the MFM now- just in case. He was a bit of a realist and said if there is a difference in growth, there is really not much we can do right now. Hmph.

Luckily, I was able to get an appointment next week, so I don’t have to wait too long. The plan is to see my OB every month until 28 weeks, then move to every 2 weeks, and see the MFM every month or “as needed”. I guess I am getting close to the time where the appointments begin to pick up with twins!