Thanks, FedEx

And so it begins! It’s normal to get excited when you receive a shipment of hormones, right?

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Since everything is becoming a little more real again, I texted M.

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Seriously. He makes me laugh. I know how much he loves the emotional me when I’m stimming, but he does his best to be supportive.

I am 5 days away from doing my first Lupron shot. I’m slightly nervous about it as I’ve read the side effects suck. I don’t think I will be on it long, maybe 9 days, so hopefully it won’t be too bad.

Since we have a long weekend, M and I decided to visit my family. This means golf for M and maybe some beach time for me. I am hoping to recharge this weekend because I know starting Tuesday morning, the next four weeks will be stressful.

Hope everyone has a nice weekend !

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Past, Present, Future

This time last year was crunch time and I was in wedding planning hell. Most of the emails to M or friends were about wedding songs, cake flavors, centerpieces, guests lists, and staying on budget. It felt like so much work! Yes, I had a lot of support, but no one cares about your wedding as much as you do. As a little girl, you dream of this day and want it to be perfect.

Every once in a while when I was overwhelmed, I would forget about the wedding and focus on the honeymoon. I didn’t want to deal with the details/stress of the wedding, I just wanted to enjoy finally being married and on our honeymoon!

The wedding was and wasn’t perfect. Sure, there were glitches along the way, but no one really noticed. And if they did, we didn’t hear about it. I felt like I stressed about the dumbest things over the year and it didn’t make a difference in the long run. I doubt anyone remembers what our invitations looked like or what ceremonial music was played. But what was perfect was that we had our family and friends stand by us as we promised to love one another forever, no matter what.

The honeymoon was a different kind of perfect. M and I were able to exhale. We were finally able to relax and just enjoy being married.

Looking back at the last year brings me hope for the next year. Here’s what I mean.

All of this TTC and infertility crap is like planning a wedding. As a little girl, you imagine having a family just the same way as you imagined your wedding day. Except this part of your storybook life is so much different than what your 5 year old self ever imagined.

Rather than flowers, and invitations, I email M about various supplements, procedures, and a whole different kind of budget. I don’t have to meet with my wedding photographer, I have to meet with my RE. When the hurdles and heartache are too much, I daydream about baby names rather than honeymoon spots.

M and I are saying “I do, no matter what” to a family. And just like at the wedding, we are surrounded by our family and friends supporting us.

So, in a year from now (God willing), when M and I are holding our baby, we can finally exhale and enjoy being parents, knowing that every part of the process was well worth it.

All For Science

I went in this morning for the endometrial scratching/bopisy study.  I had to sign some more consent forms and provide a sample for a hpt.

Once I got into the room, I began playing detective to figure out if this is the real deal or the sham. I was hoping that my chart would be up on the screen but it wasn’t. Grrr. There were some huge cotton swaps, iodine, catheters, scissors, and a specimen vial laying on the counter. This could go either way.

Dr. L and a nurse came in to begin the procedure. Dr. L is always good about walking me through what he is doing and the first part was very similar to an IUI.

The next part was a little weird. Dr. L said on the count of three, give me a big cough. I was thinking “well, this is new, but ok” We did that twice.  After reading other posts, it seems it was to help move my cervix into a better position. Who knew.

Then the real fun began. My detective skills lead me to believe that I did in fact get the real deal.  No way would a sham procedure hurt like this.  Thank God I took some Aleve beforehand! After Dr. L was done scraping up my uterus, he passed the nurse what looked like a catheter.  She went over the the little specimen vial and dipped the catheter in and swirled it around.  The vial now had a red glob in it.  As she was doing this Dr. L said he didn’t like doing biopsies. I am pretty sure none of his patients enjoy getting them. But all in the name of science and a potential BFP, right?

When it was all over, we exchanged pleasantries. “How are you feeling? Take your time getting dressed. Thanks, see you soon. Call me if you need anything.” Dr. L left and the nurse stuck around to hand me a pad and pantyliner and said I would probably spot today.

If this was the sham procedure, then my clinic gets an Academy Award!

If At First You Don’t Succeed

Figure out a new plan!

Yesterday, we headed back to see Dr. L to review the test results and next steps. It’s been a while since we’ve been at to the office that I don’t recognize some of the staff.  I suppose I will get to know them soon enough.

While we were waiting, we saw some friends walk in. Awkward. After they checked in, they came over and sat by us. After the initial embarrassing exchanges of “never thought we’d see you here”, the men just starting talking sports. It just goes to show you how many people struggle with infertility.

We were eventually called back to talk with Dr. L.  All of the genetic stuff came back fine (minus the MTHFR- Dr. L said 1 in 6 ppl have the hetero mutation I have) and the blood clotting stuff was all normal too. So that gives me some peace of mind. I also signed the endometrial biopsy study release forms to be randomized into that.

Our nurse was MIA so we had to wait to get our schedule. This was the biggest part of the appointment. It was going to give me some direction on whether or not to go to Costa Rica for work.

I spent the better part of this morning working on a presentation for Costa Rica and emailed it off to my boss. He responded “Thanks. So-and-so can go to Costa Rica, so we’re good to go”.  WTF. I told him Tuesday there was a possibility I wouldn’t be able to go, I guess he figured he’d just ask someone else. I felt like the world’s worst/laziest employee. I responded and let him know that I still don’t have my schedule and even if I am limited in my traveling that I still want to be involved in at least prepping for this trip! I swear, men don’t have these work life balance issues, do they?

Anyway, the nurse just called. First thing she said was I needed to make my appointments for the biopsy. She told me it’s pretty uncomfortable so take some extra strength Tylenol before the appointment, and once they collect the sample they send it off. I’m guessing this means I am not in the control group?? I really really really hope I get the real deal. I will gladly take the pain if it increase our chances of implantation. My first appointment is tomorrow so I am going to take a peak at my chart in hopes of figuring it out.

The other thing she shared was the full protocol and schedule. This go around I will be doing the Stop Lupron protocol. Here’s what September looks like for me (now that Costa Rica is off the table):

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They Say Patience Is a Virtue

There are some many things running through my head and if I put them all in one post you’d think I have ADD. So I am going to try to keep it as simple (and short) as possible.

I was worried/nervous about going into this past weekend. M and I would head up to NJ for two of my nieces’ baptism. This would be the first time I would see my entire family since I “came out”. I also wasn’t sure how I would feel seeing all of the babies/families at the same time. I can handle one-on-ones, but throw me in a room with 5 babies and it might be a different story.

Before I left for NJ, I decided to take a test. While I was waiting, I imagined how I would tell M. I would use my oldest niece (2 ½ yrs old) and have her hand him little Florida Gator booties and say “this is for your baby, Uncle M”. Then he would get teary eyed and I would be standing there smiling just waiting for him to get it. It was just a daydream. The test was negative.

On Saturday I spent the day with my sister, BIL, and their two kids at Sesame. It was fun spending the day with the girls and watching them take everything in. I hope to have kids to take there one day.

The baptism was your traditional Catholic ceremony. I got a little teary during the ceremony but I don’t think anyone noticed. After the ceremony, everyone was hanging out just catching up and watching all of the kids interact before going to lunch.  I sorta felt like I had nothing to contribute. I needed to get out of there quickly. On the way to the car I started to get bad cramps. Are you freaking kidding me?

I broke down in the car. Same old story. Happy for everyone else, just still very sad for us. I asked M where was the silver lining in all of this. He said when it does happen we will be that much happier and appreciate it even more. I know he is right, but that doesn’t make me want it less right now!

We pulled up to the restaurant and I asked M if it was too early to have some wine. He’s a smart man and said “not at all”. I have to give him credit here. I know I can be emotional and I’d probably get annoyed with me too, but somehow he manages to deal with it like a champ.

The rest of the day was fine. I had two glasses of wine and played/cuddled with each of the babies for the next three hours. When it was time to leave, it was a little sad to watch my brother and sister pack up their kids and drive away.  Soon, they would be giving the kids baths and kissing them goodnight. I didn’t want to say goodbye. I was going to miss being part of their families. I didn’t want to go home to our quiet and empty house.  But I was also ready to leave. Seeing everyone was hard in such a weird way. I felt empty and alone.

After we said our goodbyes, we needed to make a stop for tampons and Aleve.  AF arrived three days early.

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