Wishing Well

This past week has been pretty emotional.

First of all, I want to give a shout out to my sister. She is insanely generous and supportive. There is nothing that M and I can say or do to ever thank her and my BIL enough.

We also found out that IVF #2 has been approved and since I met my OOP max we don’t have to put down another $4k deposit. And if my calculations are correct and based off of all the submitted claims from IVF #1, IVF#2 will cost us around $2,000 (including meds)!

All awesome things. Then I looked at Facebook on Friday to see two people announced their pregnancy and another person posted pics of her newborn. Blah. This set me back a little.  I still am sad that we are approaching the year mark with a failed IUI and IVF and no luck.

M and I needed some alone time to refocus on us, and not anything baby related. So we decided to take a day trip to see some caverns. It was exactly what we needed.  The caverns were beautiful and we had a really good time just hanging out with each other. Towards the end of the tour, we saw a formation called the “Wishing Well”.

wishing well


As we walked by, people were tossing coins and making their wishes. M pointed out that there were even dollars in there, so I joked that those people had big wishes. I was bummed since I didn’t have any money on me, but luckily M did. So M went first and he tossed a quarter in “for Seamus” and I tossed one in for a “baby gator” (M went to University of Florida). And just for good measure, M threw a dollar in.

I hope that our wishes come true this time around.





WTF Appointment

M and I went to go see Dr. L this morning to figure out what went wrong and where we go from here.

We went over the cycle and Dr. L said nothing went wrong, per se. We just fell on the wrong side of the coin this time.

This didn’t really help me. We only have two more chances* at this from a financial standpoint. I don’t want to waste a cycle without having more info. So I asked him if there are any more tests that we can do to rule any potential problems. He agreed, I think in part because I’ve reach my max OOP expenses. Apparently these tests aren’t cheap. So there’s that silver lining. Both M and I will have karotyping done to rule out any chromosonal defects. Then I will also have some addition lab work to rule out clotting or antibody issues, as well as more genetic testing to see if I am carrier for certain diseases (Fragile X, MTHFR deficiency, etc).

We have a follow up in three weeks to discuss the results and the new protocol. It sounds like I may not be doing another antagonist cycle since Dr. L wants to throw in Lupron. No Ganirelix (yay!!) but it also means an additional shot (boo!!).

I feel like I will be better prepared for this next cycle. I have an idea of what to expect now. And I will have even more information going into this than last time. So for the next three weeks, I am going to try to just relax and enjoy my time “off”. No shots and no hormones. This will be the first non-medicated cycle since May.

*I say two more chances because that’s what insurance overs- 3 cycles. Doesn’t matter if it’s fresh or frozen. So we think it makes more sense to do a fresh cycle since it’s more expensive. Better to have the insurance company cover 50% of a $15,000 fresh cycle versus a $5,000 frozen cycle. I am also hoping that since I met my OOP max that we will have a credit from this cycle that we can apply to the next cycle.

See how positive I am trying to be! I may have a glass of wine tonight just because I can!






Five Stages of Grief

When I was 18 or 19, I thought I wanted to be a psychologist. To this day, the human mind, emotions and differences between men and women still fascinate me.

Everyone has lost something/someone valuable at some point in their lives. Whether it be through a bad breakup, death or maybe just bad luck. It usually doesn’t matter what you lost -there are five stages of grief. On Friday, I lost hope that this cycle would work and we would get pregnant and have a baby.

  •  Denial and Isolation- Right up until we got the call from the nurse, I was still hoping that we would get a positive beta. How could we not? The doctors told us we had a great chance! I had two acupuncture sessions, kept my feet warm the entire TWW, and talked to our twins.Then M’s phone rang. I knew it was negative. I felt alone. I cried to M, but I don’t think he understood how I felt. He didn’t test and see the negatives. He didn’t have to put his body through the physical demands I had.  He didn’t feel that cramp on Friday night and pray it was an implantation cramp. His body didn’t fail us, mine did.
  •  Anger- Forewarning here- I am going to sound like a real B. On Saturday, I thought that maybe going to a softball tournament would help distract me. I was wrong. I was surrounded by pregnancy and babies. It felt like every conversation was about how big their bellies were or how they are feeling. I don’t care. Can we talk about something else? My anger came out in more tears. Why does it seem so damn easy for everyone else? I am angry that no one seemed to to care or get it. Why would they- they haven’t gone through any of this. For them it was easy. Have sex = get pregnant. And here’s where I sound even more evil, for the ones that had some problems, I still didn’t want to be around them. I was jealous. They have something that (right now) doesn’t seem attainable.
  • Bargaining- I think I am dipping my toes in this now. Maybe we should have more testing done before this IVF.  I am beginning to ask myself what can I do to make the next time a success. Should I be on a super strict bed-rest? Should I eat pineapple core? What else can I do?? Maybe I wasn’t ready last time, maybe I didn’t want it bad enough? Ugh the what ifs and maybes.
  • Depression- Can I get up in the morning and go to work? Yes. Do I still cry randomly? Yes. I understand that this isn’t the end of the world, but right now the world that I had hoped for no longer exists. I feel defeated. I know other women have gone through this- I just don’t know of any. It’s hard sometime to talk about it with friends or family (and I know you guys read this and support me, so don’t take this the wrong way) but they don’t necessarily understand the pain that comes with this.
  •  Acceptance- Remember that picture I posted a while back. The battle of the head vs heart. My head knows that we have another chance or two, my heart still hurts. A lot. I’m scared of another failed cycle but I know I need to move forward. I wish I could just snap my fingers and be back to normal and excited/optimistic about another chance. I am just not there yet. I think M is, which makes it harder. Why is it that he can compartmentalize things and I can’t? I wish I could think like a man during this whole experience. Feeling is effing exhausting.

So that’s where I am today. We have out WTF appointment tomorrow morning and I have a billion (okay maybe like 5) questions for Dr. L. I hope we can get some answers and I begin move forward.

P.S. I also could care less about the Royal Baby.I’m sure there are other things the news can focus on. Just saying.


It’s beta day.

Since today is all about numbers and I had some time on my hands, I decided to recap the last month-

  • 19 birth control pills
  • 1 injection class
  • 1  very expensive mock trial
  • 5 acupuncture sessions
  • 11 times giving blood
  • 9 times being probed
  • 19 injections
  • 40 progesterone suppositories
  • $587 worth of drugs*
  • And another  $4,200 for appointments and procedures*
  • 4 pregnancy tests
  • Countless tears
  • Beta = 0

So there we have it. No longer “pregnant”.


* I realize how fortunate we are to have IVF coverage. I can’t imagine how we would afford it if we didn’t.


Big Fat Negative.

I don’t have many more tears. I’m angry and tired.

Angry at the doctors who were so optimistic.
Angry that I allowed myself to have unrealistic expectations.
Angry that my body couldn’t make this work.
Angry that it’s so hard for M and I.

And I have questions.
What went wrong??? Was it because I got up too many times the day if the transfer? Was it because I had a cup of tea after acupuncture? What if something else is wrong but we don’t know because we haven’t tested for it?

I just don’t understand why this didn’t work. Will it ever? Doctors can guess, but no one will ever be able to say with confidence- yes, you will be able to get pregnant and have your take home baby. And that hurts more than anything right now.