Wishing Well

This past week has been pretty emotional.

First of all, I want to give a shout out to my sister. She is insanely generous and supportive. There is nothing that M and I can say or do to ever thank her and my BIL enough.

We also found out that IVF #2 has been approved and since I met my OOP max we don’t have to put down another $4k deposit. And if my calculations are correct and based off of all the submitted claims from IVF #1, IVF#2 will cost us around $2,000 (including meds)!

All awesome things. Then I looked at Facebook on Friday to see two people announced their pregnancy and another person posted pics of her newborn. Blah. This set me back a little.  I still am sad that we are approaching the year mark with a failed IUI and IVF and no luck.

M and I needed some alone time to refocus on us, and not anything baby related. So we decided to take a day trip to see some caverns. It was exactly what we needed.  The caverns were beautiful and we had a really good time just hanging out with each other. Towards the end of the tour, we saw a formation called the “Wishing Well”.

wishing well

 

As we walked by, people were tossing coins and making their wishes. M pointed out that there were even dollars in there, so I joked that those people had big wishes. I was bummed since I didn’t have any money on me, but luckily M did. So M went first and he tossed a quarter in “for Seamus” and I tossed one in for a “baby gator” (M went to University of Florida). And just for good measure, M threw a dollar in.

I hope that our wishes come true this time around.

 

 

 

WTF Appointment

M and I went to go see Dr. L this morning to figure out what went wrong and where we go from here.

We went over the cycle and Dr. L said nothing went wrong, per se. We just fell on the wrong side of the coin this time.

This didn’t really help me. We only have two more chances* at this from a financial standpoint. I don’t want to waste a cycle without having more info. So I asked him if there are any more tests that we can do to rule any potential problems. He agreed, I think in part because I’ve reach my max OOP expenses. Apparently these tests aren’t cheap. So there’s that silver lining. Both M and I will have karotyping done to rule out any chromosonal defects. Then I will also have some addition lab work to rule out clotting or antibody issues, as well as more genetic testing to see if I am carrier for certain diseases (Fragile X, MTHFR deficiency, etc).

We have a follow up in three weeks to discuss the results and the new protocol. It sounds like I may not be doing another antagonist cycle since Dr. L wants to throw in Lupron. No Ganirelix (yay!!) but it also means an additional shot (boo!!).

I feel like I will be better prepared for this next cycle. I have an idea of what to expect now. And I will have even more information going into this than last time. So for the next three weeks, I am going to try to just relax and enjoy my time “off”. No shots and no hormones. This will be the first non-medicated cycle since May.

*I say two more chances because that’s what insurance overs- 3 cycles. Doesn’t matter if it’s fresh or frozen. So we think it makes more sense to do a fresh cycle since it’s more expensive. Better to have the insurance company cover 50% of a $15,000 fresh cycle versus a $5,000 frozen cycle. I am also hoping that since I met my OOP max that we will have a credit from this cycle that we can apply to the next cycle.

See how positive I am trying to be! I may have a glass of wine tonight just because I can!

 

 

 

 

 

Five Stages of Grief

When I was 18 or 19, I thought I wanted to be a psychologist. To this day, the human mind, emotions and differences between men and women still fascinate me.

Everyone has lost something/someone valuable at some point in their lives. Whether it be through a bad breakup, death or maybe just bad luck. It usually doesn’t matter what you lost -there are five stages of grief. On Friday, I lost hope that this cycle would work and we would get pregnant and have a baby.

  •  Denial and Isolation- Right up until we got the call from the nurse, I was still hoping that we would get a positive beta. How could we not? The doctors told us we had a great chance! I had two acupuncture sessions, kept my feet warm the entire TWW, and talked to our twins.Then M’s phone rang. I knew it was negative. I felt alone. I cried to M, but I don’t think he understood how I felt. He didn’t test and see the negatives. He didn’t have to put his body through the physical demands I had.  He didn’t feel that cramp on Friday night and pray it was an implantation cramp. His body didn’t fail us, mine did.
  •  Anger- Forewarning here- I am going to sound like a real B. On Saturday, I thought that maybe going to a softball tournament would help distract me. I was wrong. I was surrounded by pregnancy and babies. It felt like every conversation was about how big their bellies were or how they are feeling. I don’t care. Can we talk about something else? My anger came out in more tears. Why does it seem so damn easy for everyone else? I am angry that no one seemed to to care or get it. Why would they- they haven’t gone through any of this. For them it was easy. Have sex = get pregnant. And here’s where I sound even more evil, for the ones that had some problems, I still didn’t want to be around them. I was jealous. They have something that (right now) doesn’t seem attainable.
  • Bargaining- I think I am dipping my toes in this now. Maybe we should have more testing done before this IVF.  I am beginning to ask myself what can I do to make the next time a success. Should I be on a super strict bed-rest? Should I eat pineapple core? What else can I do?? Maybe I wasn’t ready last time, maybe I didn’t want it bad enough? Ugh the what ifs and maybes.
  • Depression- Can I get up in the morning and go to work? Yes. Do I still cry randomly? Yes. I understand that this isn’t the end of the world, but right now the world that I had hoped for no longer exists. I feel defeated. I know other women have gone through this- I just don’t know of any. It’s hard sometime to talk about it with friends or family (and I know you guys read this and support me, so don’t take this the wrong way) but they don’t necessarily understand the pain that comes with this.
  •  Acceptance- Remember that picture I posted a while back. The battle of the head vs heart. My head knows that we have another chance or two, my heart still hurts. A lot. I’m scared of another failed cycle but I know I need to move forward. I wish I could just snap my fingers and be back to normal and excited/optimistic about another chance. I am just not there yet. I think M is, which makes it harder. Why is it that he can compartmentalize things and I can’t? I wish I could think like a man during this whole experience. Feeling is effing exhausting.

So that’s where I am today. We have out WTF appointment tomorrow morning and I have a billion (okay maybe like 5) questions for Dr. L. I hope we can get some answers and I begin move forward.

P.S. I also could care less about the Royal Baby.I’m sure there are other things the news can focus on. Just saying.

9dp5dt

It’s beta day.

Since today is all about numbers and I had some time on my hands, I decided to recap the last month-

  • 19 birth control pills
  • 1 injection class
  • 1  very expensive mock trial
  • 5 acupuncture sessions
  • 11 times giving blood
  • 9 times being probed
  • 19 injections
  • 40 progesterone suppositories
  • $587 worth of drugs*
  • And another  $4,200 for appointments and procedures*
  • 4 pregnancy tests
  • Countless tears
  • Beta = 0

So there we have it. No longer “pregnant”.

 

* I realize how fortunate we are to have IVF coverage. I can’t imagine how we would afford it if we didn’t.

7dp5dt

Big Fat Negative.

I don’t have many more tears. I’m angry and tired.

Angry at the doctors who were so optimistic.
Angry that I allowed myself to have unrealistic expectations.
Angry that my body couldn’t make this work.
Angry that it’s so hard for M and I.

And I have questions.
What went wrong??? Was it because I got up too many times the day if the transfer? Was it because I had a cup of tea after acupuncture? What if something else is wrong but we don’t know because we haven’t tested for it?

I just don’t understand why this didn’t work. Will it ever? Doctors can guess, but no one will ever be able to say with confidence- yes, you will be able to get pregnant and have your take home baby. And that hurts more than anything right now.