100 Foot Waves

Anxiety, fear, hormones, lack of sleep, I don’t know what it is but I am an emotional mess today.

Getting ready to start the day, I was sitting there and brushing H’s hair and just started crying. I don’t feel like doing anything. I have no motivation or maybe I do, but I don’t have the energy to do anything.

After I dropped H off at school and started my day, I received an email from someone at a nonprofit organization called EverMore in regards to a program called North Star that I am participating in.

I was asked to provide a brief bio and one of the last questions I was asked was if there is any encouragement or message I wanted to share with other bereaved parents/families?

This made me think. What would I say to someone who has experienced something similar to help them? The thing is, there are no words that really can “comfort” you or make the pain/anxiety go away. When you lose a child you are forever changed. But the one thing that has stuck with me, was an excerpt from a story that was read at a hospital memorial service for babies who passed away:

As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.

This pregnancy has been full of waves for me. And today feels like a 100 foot one.

Slowly getting there…

Today I had my second growth scan- at 32w2d.

Baby girl measured right on track at 4lb 5oz. She is head down and has her butt righy under my right ribs. Everything looks good- which is reassuring and yet stills very surreal. The little chickadee didn’t want to cooperate much with pictures but we managed to get a decent one- 

The plan is to go back at 34 and 36 weeks and then start my weekly visits. At 36 weeks we will talk about my birth plan preferences. Induction is very much on the table for discussion. 

Overall, I can’t complain. I feel pretty good. I’ve been having a few dizzy spells here and there but I think I just need to drink more water. 

I’ve also am having a decent number of Braxton Hicks and some cramping. All of which seem very normal for this stage of the game. 

We have roughly 7 weeks to get everything ready for her arrival. Eek! 

28 weeks and change 

I had another growth scan a few days ago and everything looks good.

At 28w2d, baby girl is an estimated 2lbs 11oz and apparently has lots of hair! Growth has slowed down some (baby went from 65% to 45%) but the MFM said she wasn’t concerned. She said later in the pregnancy, genetics and uterine size/shape starts to play more of a role in the size of the baby? 

We also talked about the plan for the next few weeks. I will go back again in 4 weeks for another growth scan (32w) then will go back at 34 weeks. At 36 weeks, we will probably start the conversation about inducing. Seems that since I’m at a MFM, and given my history and age they don’t want me to go past 40 weeks at all. So we will probably induce between 39-40 weeks. Honestly, I’m ok with that. Especially since they will be doing weekly scans/NSTs towards the end. The goal is to get the baby here healthy and safe.

So baby girl is doing her thing on the inside, M and I have been slacking off. We haven’t done anything to prepare yet. This weekend we need to focus and get her room somewhat ready or at least start the process! 

I also need to order a breast pump soon. I would really like to BF this time and not EP.  Other than that I don’t think we need to order much- besides diapers and wipes. We have a ton of clothes and all the baby gear we need for the most part. It’s just a matter of getting it out and ready! 

Yay for Viability & Stability!

I have passed 24 weeks and baby girl seems to be doing well. So glad to have passed that milestone!

I had my regular endo appt yesterday. TSH was .7 and A1C was 4.9
I swear my endocrinologist secretly wishes I had sugar issues. This is like the 3rd time she has requested my A1C! Every time it comes back normal but she is stuck on the fact that my grandfather had diabetes. 

She has kindly pointed out that since I have a family history of diabetes, I’m older (37) and slightly overweight that I have an increased risk of GD. She also likes to point out how much weight I’ve gained and makes a face like “ooh you are gaining too much”. 

For the record, I gained 3 pounds in the last 5 weeks and about 20-21 pounds to date at 25w3d. My MFM has never said anything about my weight gain. So my skinny little endo can deal with it.

I don’t know how much I gained with H. I stopped getting in the scale at some point because it was depressing. But after she was born I lost all of the pregnancy weight and than some. So I am not terribly worried about the fact that I’ve gained 20 pounds so far. I tend to gain more in the first trimester and it seems to slow down. I’m not really eating more so I figure my body is going to do exactly what it needs to do. 

End rant. 


Three years ago at 22 weeks is when we found out that we lost Brynn. 
Today, at 22 weeks, baby girl is kicking away. In fact, M finally was able to feel a little kick from the outside.

I still worry about her but the fact that she has measured ahead and is usually active helps ease my fears. Of course I don’t feel her unless I’m sitting still for more than 5 minutes or until the end of the day. I suspect that has more to do with my focus usually being on H. 

I wonder the baby will look more like Harper or maybe she will look like what Brynn would have looked like? Only time will tell I guess.

I also made a huge step and took out all of H’s newborn clothes. Granted, they are just sitting in the spare room right now, but I at least got that far, right? One thing at a time for now. But I know at some point we will have to prepare her room and get a crib. I’m still a bit gun shy to make any major changes.